Tag: bizarre

Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies

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Wormbaby Caterpillar BabiesIs it creepy or cute? Beats me. I only know that I was infested with wormbabies one time and it was a nightmare to get rid of them. If you don’t catch them quick, they use their soft-serve pointy heads to attach themselves to objects and form a cocoon. Then they turn into mothbabies and start eating holes in your clothes.

That’s probably why my clothes have so many holes in them. It doesn’t help that when I drop food on my shirt, I suck out the stain like a vampire. You can’t let all of that mac and cheese MSG go to waste. It’s like Bill Compton going to town on Sooky Stackhouse. Or Eric Northman. Or those other 10 guys. Sooky, you is a tramp. *Does the Lafayette finger snap and saunters away swaying my hips*
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The Toilet Pool Float: No Floaters In The Float Please

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Toilet Pool FloatMan it’s hot outside. I sure could go for a swim. Too bad I don’t have one of these Toilet Pool Floats. I would totally be the guy who leaves a long curly floater in this thing, then reaches around for the flush as I whirlpool all around and send it in your direction.

At the local pool I’m known as the one man Blue Man group. Get it? That means I also pee in the pool. Basically it’s not safe in the pool. Just stay away if you see me coming.

That’s Duct Up: Creepy Duct Tape Mask

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duct tape maskWith this duct tape mask you can become the ultimate DIY villain. Just wear this mask, hang like 6 rolls of duct tape off your utility belt, put a strip of duct tape down the side of each pant leg like Han Solo, and hit the streets. How long do you think it’s going to be before Batman comes for you?

What’s that? You just don’t give a duct? Fair enough. At least allow me to give you a theme song. This is song to the tune of the Duck Tales theme, because I have found that to come in handy for all kinds of made up songs in my life. Here goes:

Do do do do do-to-da do oh Duct Man. Wooo-hooo.

It just repeats like that. I know, brilliant right? Cartoons are awesome. I learned a lot from that show. Scrooge McDuck also taught me that pants are completely optional. Of course the local Five-O taught me different, but that’s another story.

Hey, that’s a good name. Scrooge McDuct!

Maybe a Game of Thrones slogan: For the night is duct and full of terrors…

No? Whatevs. Go duct yourself.

Framed Man-Beast Wearing Underwear

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man-beast in underwearCheck out this framed man-beast crotch, packing more hair than a grizzly. Etsy seller BeefcakeCraftArcade made this. Everyone needs a hobby I guess.

This man-beast has nothing on me, with that little cheeto bulge barely hanging over the frame. My Hanes would be exploding past that frame. Well, yeah, that’s mostly because of my belly, but trust me, my cheeto bag is full too!

The seller has a special note:

“The fur is soft and you’re gonna want to rub your face all over it. That’s fine and encouraged – pet it all you want! But please do not brush or shave the fur.”

Um, okay. Absolutely no danger of any of that happening from me. Just so we are clear.

Slingin’ Hash And Takin’ Cash: Bucko The Pig Concession Stand

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bucko the pigWhen you roll into town with a giant pig attached to your tractor, you know you are going to make some serious bank. Don’t forget to stock up on bacon and pork rinds. Greasy spoon? The entire inside of this pig will be greasy as you try to satisfy the hungry lard fueled mob that is America, one town at a time.

The best part is that employees enter through the butt-door. If I owned this, I would make it squeal each time someone entered, so I could go all Deliverance. “Squeal little piggy. Squeal!” Only $165,000.00 from Ebay.
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