Tag: candy

Realistic Skull Dish

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Realistic Skull Dish
Hey skull dish, I’m gonna put candy in your brain hole and let people pick your brain. I just think it will be weird. Gotta keep my reputation as the local weirdo after all, or as the local police like to refer to me. “Code 71. Named for the year of my birth. Which I may be lying about just to throw you all off. I may be 60 years old. Then again I may be 22. Blog stars need privacy is all I’m sayin’.

*Screech. Crackle.* All units be advised. We have a code 71 in progress. Now the damn fool is making dogs eat from some kind of fake skull in the park, which is attached to his shirt making it look like he has a skull head. It is making old people vomit. Use of deadly force is authorized. Please use deadly force.

1LB Bag Of Gummy Chicken Feet

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chicken feet gummy candy
Happy Halloween sir! Happy Halloween kid. Here’s a 1LB Bag Of Gummy Chicken Feet. *Dumps it into the kids bag and it instantly sags to the floor.* I was gonna give out Snickers, but clearly I don’t give a cluck!

You suck old man!

Then give me my chicken feet back! That’s what I thought! You better run. Use 2 of those gummy feet to run away like a little chicken. Punk! Bawk! Bawk!

Why this kid comes to my door dressed as the Comcast guy every f***ing time someone new moves in next door, I have no idea. Has his own truck and everything. Kid obviously has no idea that Halloween happens once a year. I just humor him. Great! The cable is out again!

12 Chocolate Caramel Toffee Skulls

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Chocolate Caramel Toffee Skulls
12 Chocolate Caramel Toffee Skulls. All around a table. The fate of one man in their hands. What will they decide? Is he innocent. Or guilty of murder? It’s so tense!

That’s 12 Angry men you idiot!

Oh. Well… You don’t know they aren’t angry. And delicious. They look like Skeletor after he fell asleep for like 10 hours in a tanning bed.

Realistic Animal Lollipops

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realistic animal lollipops
These Realistic Animal Lollipops were created by Amezaiku artist Shinri Tezuka. Amezaiku is the Japanese craft of lollipop-making, which dates back to the 700s. Wow, humans have been sucking for a long time. I thought it was just the younger generation. You learn something new everyday. And then you forget it, because you get distracted by other weird stuff.

So Shinri Tezuka makes realistic lollipops for the suckers who visit his Tokyo shop. Hey, that’s what they are. Me? I don’t suck mine, I like to lick it all day long and savor it. Hey! What’s so funny? I like lollipops. I take my time. Unlike that Tootsie Pop Owl.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of your goldfish pop? Let’s find out. a-one *lick* a-two *lick* three *chomp* What in the seven kingdoms of candy hell? That’s a real goldfish!
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Planetary Lollipops: I Call Uranus!

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outer space lollipops
These Planetary Lollipops mix hard candy with hard science. Mostly not. Mostly it’s your mouth acting like a black hole as you lick and devour every planet into nothingness. Imagine what a gooey delight the Earth is going to be with all of the chewy nougat that is the sea life and people and animals. Yummy. And Uranus? I can only imagine how good that will taste. I- Haha. Walked right into that one.

Hey, you’re not allowed to laugh at me. Only I’m allowed to laugh at me. At least I didn’t say the molten core of Uranus tasted good running over my tongue. I was saving that for Saturn.

Anyway this is probably the only time it will ever be safe to eat Mercury and if you want to see Jupiter Ascending, watch it ascend into your mouth.