Tag: etsy

Bronze Slug Rings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Bronze Slug Rings
Bronze Slug Rings baby! Slugs slithering all in between your fingers that you can use for brass knuckles should some dude mess with you in a dark alley somewhere. What? You want slugs to the face bro? BAM. SLUGGO! These slugs will never let you down. Unless somebody throws salt all over your hands.

This ring is sweet. I just wish I had known about this before I made my slug ring the old fashioned way. By shoving both hands in the garden and pulling ’em back up with nasty gooey slugs between my fingers.
Read more “Bronze Slug Rings”

Nice Rump Roast – Pink Meat Cuts Dress

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nice Rump Roast - Pink Meat Cuts Dress
Hey, nice rack! I mean ribs. Nice rump too. You got all of the best cuts. Ask your butcher about this Pink Meat Cuts Dress. Then shimmy your shanks in it and shake your rump roast. Cuz you are grade A, prime cut meat baby. You and I should have a meat and greet. I feel a tingling in my tenderloin. Actually it’s more of an itch, but anyway… I don’t want to get all em-broiled in this dress, but I think it’s awesome. No, really. Not busting your chops. Your pork chops.
Read more “Nice Rump Roast – Pink Meat Cuts Dress”

Realistic Spider Costume

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Realistic Spider Costume
I’m puttin’ this Realistic Spider Costume in my bugout bag. Then ya know what I’m gonna do? Bug the hell out! You can not swat me! No sticky trap can stop me. No can of raid can spray me. And I’m way too damn big to put under a cup, while you slip a paper underneath so you can take me outside. I am the god of spiders. Come to me my 8-legged minions! Flock to me and rule the world at my side from my gi-normous web of doom. Tonight we dine on human-sized cocoons.

*Sees a carpet of spiders skittering and approaching me from everywhere.* Uh… Wait! On second thought, no. I don’t want to be the god of spiders any longer! *Screams like a girl and ditches spider costume while I run away crying.*
Read more “Realistic Spider Costume”

Holy Freddy On A Cross – Horror Movie Wall Sculptures

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Holy Freddy On A Cross - Horror Movie Wall Sculptures
These Horror Movie Wall Sculptures from HaskellFX make for some scary home decor. Speaking of, you know what else makes for some really scary horror decor? All of those stains on my walls from where I swatted flies and never cleaned up. It’s getting so thick it looks like an impressionist painting is starting to take shape.

Anyway, you can choose from Freddy Krueger on an upside down cross patterned like his sweater, Jason Voorhees and that Leatherface guy on a Texas shaped background. Tell ’em Creepbay sent ya. It’ll be no haskell at all. You know, cuz the shop name… Haskell. *sigh* Ohhhhhhh. So you don’t like my sense of humor huh? Well, quit haskelling me! Okay, new policy everybody. Don’t hask, don’t tell. Hask-a-la-vista baby!

Who doesn’t love a Freddy crucifix? Oh yeah. God. Probably God doesn’t like that.
Read more “Holy Freddy On A Cross – Horror Movie Wall Sculptures”

Moonlit Cliff Werewolf Pendant

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Moonlit Cliff Werewolf Pendant
Do you think that Werewolves all wear stuff like this cool Moonlit Cliff Werewolf Pendant, so they can spot each other and know that they are all Werewolves? I only ask cuz some nights I get crazy and tear through a whole rotisserie chicken with my bare hands and they have to lock me in a cage for the night. Also I’m hairy. People say I’m just hungry and fat, I say I’m a werewolf. Then I slash them with my claws and run off on all fours howling. Then I wake up naked the next day, but that’s only because I’m a free spirit.

It’s an endless battle with the moon. Speaking of the moon, I find that the moon acts childish. Oh well, probably just a phase. Once a month the moon gets so full of itself. It’s so vain. Anyway, here’s a song for the moon:

You’re so vain
You probably think this post is about you.
Don’t you?
Don’t you?