I see a Fortune Cookie Coin Purse in your future. These Fortune Cookie Coin Purses look so real, you’ll want to eat them, but don’t. Trust me on this one. A purse full of pennies, nickels and dimes do nothing for your dental health. Yeah, I carry a purse! So what? It’s convenient. Plus, I’m the only one prepared to get revenge on all of those old ladies who take an hour to pay for their groceries with coins. I like to get ahead of them and give them a taste of their own medicine.
These fun purses even come with a printed fortune paper inside of each one. I see only one problem. *sprouts blue cookie monster fur* Me want real cookie! Give me cookie now!
So basically these Pick Your Nose Paper Cups let you wear someone else’s nose while drinking your favorite beverage. They are very on the nose. I have to admit to being a little bummed out. You can choose from all those noses and there’s no Tucan Sam? What the hell man. I’m not seeing any weird Owen Wilson noses either. Man, that guy. I can’t watch any of his movies without wanting to pop that snozzer back in place with a nightstick. I kid, I kid. Though the dude is super annoying. Just pick your nose, which you probably do anyway and drink up. No need to be snooty about it or nosy. Keep your nose out of my business and into this cup.
Anyway, the nose knows. Knows what? Hell if I know. These paper cups are going to make drunken mate selection very confusing at parties. I thought she had a mustache when I picked her up, but she looked clean shaven in the morning. Oh well. I hope she cleaned my razor after. Also check out the runny nose gel dispenser. If you have some sort of weird nose fetish, you will enjoy having both in your home. Read more “Pick Your Nose Paper Cups”
If you like to play your jams really really slow and leave a snail trail all over the stage, this Snail Ukulele should do the trick. You’ll have to get it by snail mail of course. You can check out a video of it in action below.It sounds pretty friggin’ awesome if you ask me.
I would get one, but I know people would just throw salt at me on stage. Then where would I be? Just standing there teary-eyed, my dreams dashed, with my arms full of a melting snail ukulele. Though that would be a step up from the rotten fruit and hazardous materials they throw at me now. Plus, I could finish a song and say cool stuff like. “Thank you. Thank you. Totally snailed it, I know” *bows, only to get hit in the head with a salt shaker*
People would follow me from gig to gig trying to kill my snail guitar and shut me up, because it isn’t easy getting salt all the way on stage. They would start with salt shakers, then work their way up to shotgun shells loaded with salt. I would just laugh and count my money as I watch my snail’s shell get bigger. Then one hot August night someone would drive a dumpster full of salt through the door and completely cover the stage. I would just rise up from the giant white mound, clear my throat and announce, “Ladies and gentlemen. Snailvis has left the building”.
This bear paw serving bowl is how a real man eats his Chex party mix. Preferably from a bear you hunted yourself, but since I only like to act tough, I’ll just buy this serving bowl and act all macho. Right up until the wife gives me an ear full about how party mix is bad for me and I cower and whimper when she takes it away. Party mix bad? How could any party be bad? I guess I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Heh heh! I write these things up like I’m bustin’ a rhyme.
Yo yo!
My prose is grizzly
The weather is drizzly
Brown bear, polar, I don’t give a cluck
I see him come rollin, I run straight for my truck.
Gun it down the highway, nothing but cryin’
Did you poop your pants?
Of course I’m lyin’!
This Shark Laundry Hamper has a lot to teach us about how we deal with sharks in the wild. You’ll notice that the idea is to throw your dirty and nasty clothes into the shark’s mouth. It’s fun, but also educational.
Pro tip: Humans perspire. We are dirty, stinky, nasty creatures that smell like a dog’s bunghole at the end of the day if we don’t bath and use soap and stuff. So don’t go in the water until you haven’t bathed for a good 2 weeks. When you do, go in fully clothed. And when attacked by a shark, throw your nasty human feces smelling second skins in the shark’s food-hole.
If Roy Scheider had done that in the first place it would have saved me a good 2 hours of terror!
