Tag: metal

Large Spider Belt Buckle

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Large Spider Belt Buckle
This Large Spider Belt Buckle is just the spider I need to stand guard outside of my man-junk like a bouncer. What it would be guarding against, I have no idea. You ladies aren’t exactly beating down my zipper. Well, unless you count a few Karate kicks.

Just noticed. This thing has 10 legs. Wait. 10 legs? Just Googled it. Some spiders have 10 legs. WTF? You weren’t creepy and leggy enough? I’m talking to you too Heidi Klum. And you Kelly Ripa.

What has 14 legs, the perfect sized waist, two heads and a cool belt buckle? Answer: Heidi Klum and Kelly Ripa tied together with a belt bearing this buckle while they yak endlessly and slap at each other.
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Metal Bats Bookends

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Metal Bats Bookends
“Bats”. By me.

They hide in your belfries
where they like to take selfies.
They fly in your hair
and give you a scare.
They like to make guano.
and hate U2’s bono.

That was “Bats”. By me.

Check out these cool Metal Bats Bookends. It puts bats all up in your belfry. No guano. Unless your books are really bad.

Knock-Jaw: Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker

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Knock-Jaw Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker
The Knock-Jaw: Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker lets guests take matters into their own hands when they hit your doorstep. By matters, I mean they take this skeleton’s jaw into their hands and knock on your door. Maybe you can leave some nuts out so they can crush them in this guy’s mouth and have a good treat.

Real nice. Someone shows up at your house and you tell them to eat your nuts.

Hey, I never had guests before. I’m doing my best. Maybe set out some tiny wieners?

In that case, maybe you should just stand outside naked.

Yeah well… Maybe that’s why I invited you over, so I could have a tiny wiener. Snap! Burn son! Oh, that didn’t sound good did it? You’re probably leaving now right? Yeah, a bit awkward. Now I get why the only people who come to the door are UPS guys and random people with bibles.

Spiderweb Bookends

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Spiderweb Metal Bookends
Spiderweb Bookends. I already have my own. It’s called not reading and allowing spiders to decorate. The webs hold my books in place, while all of the dead flies aka spider juice boxes insure that I will never ever touch a book again.

I would listen to books on audio, but I got spiderwebs in my headphones too. What? I don’t use my stuff a lot! And once the spiders get to it, I ain’t using it. And I can’t listen to the books I like out loud, because they usually involve the Scottish Highlands, a dashing open-shirted rogue and the enchanting young maidens who fall for him.

Time Machines: I’m Going Back To The Future

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Time Machines I'm Going Back To The Future
Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. But that’s just cuz I like to drive on the dirt side of the road. I think of myself as a ditch finder. I hit it so you don’t have to. I do it for the community. In fact, the local cops used to call me the Deuce of Hazard cuz it never looks cool and is always lame. When I found out what that meant, I laughed. Then cried. I’ll show them all when I buy one of Harveygallery’s time machines.

First I’m going back to 1984 when I was 4 pants sizes smaller. Gonna warn myself about the dangers of overeating so it changes the “Now Me” into a thin dude. Then the “Now Me” is gonna pig out and I won’t gain any weight cuz that 1984 sucker did all the work already. I’m gonna chill and enjoy being one of the “not fat” people for awhile, then zip off to the future where I find “Jabba the me” has finally porked out. Then I’m just gonna give up and we can pig out together and shoot the crap. Time machines are sweet!
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