Tag: door

American Horror Story: Hotel – Room 64 Door Plaque

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American Horror Story Hotel - Room 64 Door Plaque
Oh look, an American Horror Story: Hotel – Room 64 Door Plaque. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing bad ever happens in there, right? I’m just gonna hang this on my door. *Ding-Dong* A visitor already? Hello good sir? Of course you can stay here for a modest fee. I don’t make breakfast or the bed and the place is so dirty that even the roaches stay out. Enjoy your stay.

*Next day* Oh, I was sorry to hear that you were molested by our doll collection, which was possessed by demons at the time, but really controlled by the evil that is Lady Gaga, whose acting is almost as bad as her singing. Sorry you can’t have your money back. Here’s a coupon for next time that just expired.

Cat Eating Mouse Door Knocker

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Cat Eating Mouse Door Knocker
Just look at that cat-eating grin. This Cat Eating Mouse Door Knocker is pretty awesome. For the cat. Not so much for the mouse. Just swing the mouse and knock on the door. But knock 3 times. I might be getting busy inside, if you know what I mean. Hint, hint. Nudge, nudge. Heh. Yeah, probably not. Okay, just knock regular-like. Most likely I’ll be feeding my face and watching Netflix.

On a side-note, damn that cat is bronzed like a New Jersey housewife. Somebody done bronzed their puss. Now don’t be dirty, I’m just talkin’ ’bout the cat door knocker.
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Scary Doorbells For Your Haunted House

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Scary Doorbells For Your Haunted House
Man, I need a new doorbell. The one I have is louder than a church bell. People are all like, “Why you so nervous?” And I just shake in response. My nerves are on edge. I mean the edge of the edge. I’m a nervous wreck. These Scary Doorbells have to be quieter than what I have. Plus, they are all scary and awesome.

Etsy seller Occulence(Oh I heard of them. That’s that VR thing right? The Occulence Rift? I don’t know what I’m saying. Disregard.) has all kinds of cool and creepy doorbells for your home. They’ll help you get your ding-dong in order if you know what I mean.
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Krampus Christmas Wreaths: Ho Ho…No!

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Krampus Christmas Wreaths
These Krampus Christmas Wreaths are pretty cool. Ho Ho No! They are from Etsy seller FantasyClayFlowers. Krampus punishes naughty children during Christmas. Not to be confused by my grandfather aka Grampus, who likes to take his teeth out and torture kids on Christmas. Fun fact: I always thought Krampus was spelled Crampus and only came out once a month so that women could torment men as revenge for cramps. The wife’s been nice for awhile, so basically, myth busted.

Hmmm. If you get a tramp stamp of Krampus, you have a Trampus. Something to think about. I’ll give you one, you give me one, cool? Hey! You gave me Grampus! WTF! Not cool!

On second thought, they do kinda look the same. Except Krampus has teeth.
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Knock-Jaw: Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker

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Knock-Jaw Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker
The Knock-Jaw: Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker lets guests take matters into their own hands when they hit your doorstep. By matters, I mean they take this skeleton’s jaw into their hands and knock on your door. Maybe you can leave some nuts out so they can crush them in this guy’s mouth and have a good treat.

Real nice. Someone shows up at your house and you tell them to eat your nuts.

Hey, I never had guests before. I’m doing my best. Maybe set out some tiny wieners?

In that case, maybe you should just stand outside naked.

Yeah well… Maybe that’s why I invited you over, so I could have a tiny wiener. Snap! Burn son! Oh, that didn’t sound good did it? You’re probably leaving now right? Yeah, a bit awkward. Now I get why the only people who come to the door are UPS guys and random people with bibles.