Hey, nice rack! I mean ribs. Nice rump too. You got all of the best cuts. Ask your butcher about this Pink Meat Cuts Dress. Then shimmy your shanks in it and shake your rump roast. Cuz you are grade A, prime cut meat baby. You and I should have a meat and greet. I feel a tingling in my tenderloin. Actually it’s more of an itch, but anyway… I don’t want to get all em-broiled in this dress, but I think it’s awesome. No, really. Not busting your chops. Your pork chops.
Read more “Nice Rump Roast – Pink Meat Cuts Dress”
Tag: novelty
Realistic Spider Costume
I’m puttin’ this Realistic Spider Costume in my bugout bag. Then ya know what I’m gonna do? Bug the hell out! You can not swat me! No sticky trap can stop me. No can of raid can spray me. And I’m way too damn big to put under a cup, while you slip a paper underneath so you can take me outside. I am the god of spiders. Come to me my 8-legged minions! Flock to me and rule the world at my side from my gi-normous web of doom. Tonight we dine on human-sized cocoons.
*Sees a carpet of spiders skittering and approaching me from everywhere.* Uh… Wait! On second thought, no. I don’t want to be the god of spiders any longer! *Screams like a girl and ditches spider costume while I run away crying.*
Read more “Realistic Spider Costume”
Beagle Bonez – Crazy Bonez Skeleton Dog
I got chills when I saw this Crazy Bones Skeleton Dog, cuz I thought yet another animal that I buried was coming back from the pet cemetery. I think I’ve had enough. I only have room for so many skeletons in my house and the neighbors are starting to wonder why I take skeleton dogs for long walks. Also, every time the doorbell rings, they all have to freeze and act like they’re supposed to be taxidermy decorations. Once the door closes again and I come back in the room, it’s like a moving mass of bones everywhere. Cat skeletons climbing all over me, dog skeletons sniffing each others bone-holes, turtle skulls going back in their shell, parakeet bones flying around…
It all started with a dog hit by a car and an ancient burial ground. I may have also hired a witch and made a bad deal.
Read more “Beagle Bonez – Crazy Bonez Skeleton Dog”
Horror Movies Rainy Day Activity and Coloring Book
What are you gonna do on a rainy day? Just sit around depressed? Well, yeah, duh! But you can also do something else. Like color in this Horror Movies Rainy Day Activity and Coloring Book. I like to drink all night and then try to stay in the lines. Then in the morning I grade my work. Not happy about what I see either. Recently had to call my mom and have a parent teacher conference, too. “He doesn’t apply himself and is way behind the other kids. Is there anything going on at home that we should know about?”
Human Heart Candle – Turn On Your Heart Light
Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. That’s the sound this Human Heart Candle makes. What, yours is all pitter patter? Yeah, but did you have a six pack of Red Bull and a bag of Oreos? That’s what I thought. Uh-oh. Just started going boom boom boom. *Listens with my stethoscope against the heart. Heart puffs up and then contracts. Something smells funny. I look at the patient.* Did you just heart in here?
Have a heart and heart this hearty heart. I bet you don’t drive much Mr.Heart, cuz I can see you lack the blood vessels. Zing! I like you so much I’m gonna give you an award. Here have this plaque. Oh… Looks like you have enough already. Zing! Alright, don’t have a coronary!