Author: Artemis Winterford

Sticky Note Nightmares

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Sticky Note Nightmares
These Sticky Note Nightmares make me happy that nobody leaves me notes. Aside from the usual “You suck at parking” note anyway. No, YOU suck at parking. That’s why I got here first! You also suck at notes, because there’s no creepy artwork like on these scary sticky notes.

You know what my sticky note nightmares are? Leaving a note that says, “Need Mac and Cheese ASAP – happy face – happy face – I love you.” and then my wife leaves a note that says, “Get it yourself you fat f**k – happy face – happy face. Lose weight.”

Seriously, I think that this could happen one day and it sends chills up my spine. Oh wait, that was just the 64 oz. Slurpee I just sat on. Maybe I am a fat f**k. Food for thought. Wait. Doesn’t food for thought make your brain obese? I best not overthink it. You can also check out this awesome Dark Violin Art.
Read more “Sticky Note Nightmares”

Scented Skull Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Scented Skull Candles
Want some smells emanating from your skull? I’m not talking about your shampoo. I’m talking about these cool Scented Skull Candles. Normally skulls have one smell. Death. Especially when you happen upon one on a hot day in a pit, but I’ve said too much. I don’t know what these skulls are supposed to smell like. Scratch and sniff pizza? Teen spirit? Victory? Broccoli farts? I have no idea. But their pretty. Much more nicely colored than my own skull. I think I’ll get one and discover their macabre mystery scent.

Sniffing scented skulls scares sore sinuses so severely, Suzie sneezes snot! Heh. I made a little poem like I was 4 years old. Which is pretty impressive cuz I’m more like 5.
Read more “Scented Skull Candles”

Harry Potter Skele-Gro Bottles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Harry Potter Skele-Gro Bottles
I don’t know much about Harry Potter, but these Harry Potter Skele-Gro Bottles are neat. Something about mean adoptive parents, an owl that delivers his mail, Dobby the house elf, flying car, broomstick sports, something something Voldemort.

Will it make my skele grow? I have no idea, but I’d be willing to give it a shot, until my skeleton pops out of my insides and becomes my outsides. I’ll probably drink it and find out it doesn’t work and that I’ve been boned. That sounded bad. I mean scammed. Bamboozled, hoodwinked. Not boned. And certainly not against my will. I’m just ribbing ya. I’m sure everything will be spine.

Mounted Vampire Bat Head

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Mounted Vampire Bat Head
This Mounted Vampire Bat Head looks good on my wall. I just like that-

*Ding-Dong*

Oh, my pen-pal has arrived from Transylvania. We’ve been writing each other for like 4 years. It will be so good to meet him.

*Opens door*

Good even-ing! I am Count Tofour. You must be the fat blogger I write to for amusement.

Sure am. Here, sit down. Dinner is almost ready. Nice to meet you Count.

Watt is this Bat head zat is mounted on wall? This I do not like. It offends me. Tell me, you are truly tested for clean blood as you said in your letter?

Oh yeah. Clean bill of- AHHHH Get off me.

How dare you decorate with the head of my brethren! I come long way for snack. You are, how you say? Big fat buffet! *Sinks teeth in.*

Necronomicon Leather Book Purse

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Necronomicon Leather Book Purse
Remember kids, reading is fundamental. But reading the Necronomicon is just plain mental. This Necronomicon Leather Book Purse is a good way to get yourself in trouble. Maybe it makes the whole world zombies. Maybe it opens a portal so that Cthulhu and his kind can enslave us all. Maybe it creates a world where dogs and cats get along. Whatever happens, nothing good is gonna come out of this book/purse.

Ohhhhh, except for that lipstick. That shade is to die for. Where’d you get it? I wish I could wear that, my complexion is just too pale. You go girl!
Read more “Necronomicon Leather Book Purse”