Author: Artemis Winterford

Monster Bags: Your Emotional Baggage Now Has A Face

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etsy monster bag
Etsy seller pippenwycks sells all kinds of cool Monster Bags. Dice bags, Clutch(Your heart and die at the sight of those teeth) bags, shoulder bags and more. They probably have bags under their eyes from staying up late at night, creating monsters. Funny story: That’s what my mom said when she had me.

I’d get one, but it ain’t my bag… Man. Besides, papa’s got a brand new bag. No, really. It’s nice. No teeth or eyes anywhere. In fact, I just opened it and it contains an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich and some curly fries. The monster is me! *Om nom nom nom. Choke. Gasp.* Ate too fast. Drank too fast. Swallowed the straw. It’s really stuck in there, but on the plus side, it’s a straw so… I get extra points for choking while still being able to breath. ER here I come again. Where’s that EZ-Pass / Fast Pass card they gave me?
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Wearable Japanese Futon

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monster shaving kit
It’s almost as if I said to the universe, “Universe, I’m not nearly fat and lazy enough. You think you could send a product my way that will let me just fall down and sleep on a futon that I am already wearing? Cool. Thanks. You’re the best.” and he answered me!

I mean, judging by the picture, it looks like this Wearable Japanese Futon was made for Vulcans, but this will do! Thanks God. And I’m sorry about that whole Ten commandments thing, I really thought it was more of a checklist. I’ll do better! Pinky promise!
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Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask

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Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask
The BUG-EYED MAN is in your town. He’s on the sides of your buildings. He’s landing on your delicious picnic meal, then rubbing his butt in it as his tongue flicks all crazy like. He just spent like five minutes on a steaming pile of poo, soaking up the sun and the germs like he was in a four star resort and now he has landed on your skin, knocking you to the ground because this is a man sized freak! And totally not hygienic!

Yeah, that’s how it would be if I got this Leather Bug-Eyed Alien Mask. I could finally be a proper public menace and not just an internet menace. It is my destiny!

Monster Coffin Framed Prints

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etsy monster coffin
These monster art prints from Etsy seller bwanadevilart will decorate your walls in monsters, all in coffin shaped frames. All of your favorites are available like the Wolfman, Frankenstein, Vampires and more. I already have a picture of Frankenstein and his bride. It’s called a wedding photo. It’s super cute. She’s all hissing at me and I just look like Herman Munster, only scared as hell. It was a fun day. The day before I mean. The last day of freedom is always the sweetest. I remember it well. I did the mash. The monster mash! It really was a graveyard smash. Now the wife spends all my cash.

How do I always get sidetracked? ADD? I don’t think so, but how would I know? I would forget, wouldn’t I? Anyway, I better get back to whatever it was I was doing before. Oh yeah. No, that wasn’t it.
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Corset Of Exploding Doll Hands

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etsy doll parts corset
You gotta admire any woman who can pull off a corset of baby hands, all reaching out like the souls of a hundred little money-grubbers, eager to enter this world and make adults broke. You gotta hand it to the Corset Of Exploding Doll Hands, it’s an outfit that would actually keep me away from boobies. And I trigger booby traps regularly just to get a look-see.

It never pans out, but it has booby in the name. They have to contain boobies sooner or later. Then I can win the booby prize, which is probably a pretty buxom and bouncy trophy.
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