Author: Artemis Winterford

Vintage Taxidermy Fox With Human Wax Face

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fox taxidermy with human face
Ahhh. Look at the cute wittle fox. You so cute. You so- HOLY EVER LOVING GOD!

This Vintage Taxidermy Fox With Human Wax Face is freaky as hell. And you just know that scientists have already created something like this in their secret labs, forcing it to do funny tricks and stuff as they take selfies with it. Then when Muldar and Scully get too close to the truth they had to kill it, even though it had become an awesome scientist household pet and would watch Big Bang Theory with them every night, laughing and flinging it’s hybrid poo. The last thing we see is the cigarette smoking man incinerating the body. Ugh! I can’t look at it anymore.
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Lion Pet Wig

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lion mane dog wig
Turn your dog or cat into the king of the jungle with this Lion Pet Wig. Other animals will cower to your pet at the dog park. I’m thinking about wearing one myself. It might make me the alpha-nerd in the comic book store. I said I wanted issue #1 NOW! Roarrrrrrr. *Collects myself* Thank you and have a nice day. But mister- I said good day sir!

In the jungle, the mighty jungle a nerd sleeps tonight. Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh.

Monster Boxes With Teeth

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etsy monster teeth box
You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.

Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.

*Two years later*

*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.

God dammit!
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Road Kill Toys: They’re In A Better Place Now

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roadkill plush toys
Road kill. There’s them that kills ’em and keeps on driving and them that eat’s ’em and thanks ’em for dyin’! Get yourself a snugly and cuddly creature who has been smooshed into a pancake with it’s guts sticking out. I’m getting one of these Road Kill Toys for my nephew. It’s educational. It will teach him to look twice before crossing the street. And make him cry.

These already-been-killed stuffed animals feature zipped sides that let you pack their spilled organs back in. Plus each one comes in its own clear plastic body bag. Nice!
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Fully Posable Kewpie Dolls

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Fully Posable Kewpie Dolls
These Fully Posable Kewpie Dolls turn Kewpie dolls into action heroes. Check out that crazy cherub doing a Karate Kick. Kewpies dolls are back and this time it’s personal! I mean, not that personal, like they’re going full identity theft or anything. They aren’t gonna show up at your place of business and talk your boss or anything. I mean they are all up in your face doing karate moves and kicking butt without a single piece of clothing. Kewpie dolls don’t need no stinkin’ clothes!

These guys are naked and weird vengeance unleashed and unhinged. These babies don’t go goo-gaah and drool and poopy in their diapers, because guess what? No diapers! Only wings. God help you if you encounter a small swarm.
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