Author: Artemis Winterford

Bear Paw Serving Bowl

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bear paw serving bowl
This bear paw serving bowl is how a real man eats his Chex party mix. Preferably from a bear you hunted yourself, but since I only like to act tough, I’ll just buy this serving bowl and act all macho. Right up until the wife gives me an ear full about how party mix is bad for me and I cower and whimper when she takes it away. Party mix bad? How could any party be bad? I guess I’ll just have to grin and bear it. Heh heh! I write these things up like I’m bustin’ a rhyme.

Yo yo!
My prose is grizzly
The weather is drizzly
Brown bear, polar, I don’t give a cluck
I see him come rollin, I run straight for my truck.
Gun it down the highway, nothing but cryin’
Did you poop your pants?
Of course I’m lyin’!

Chained Octopus Necklace

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chained octopus necklace
I don’t have to tell you that Octopuses belong in chains. These ink squirting monstrosities are scary as hell. It’s because of these guys and sharks that I don’t get in the water. Ever. Screw you kraken! Still, this Octopus necklace is pretty stylish, even though I wouldn’t trust him around my neck, chained up or no. Octopuses are all grabby and clingy. Kinda like me on a date. They would call me Cthulhu. If they called at all. *sad face*

The seller has all kinds of cool necklaces. Some of them are other dangerous sea creatures too. Like the Zombie Octopus and Jellyfish below. Wear them at your own peril.
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Family Guy Adult Mascot Costumes

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family guy mascot costume
Etsy seller AdultMascotCostumes has all kinds of cool and freaky costumes, but my favorites are Peter Griffin and Stewie from Family Guy. What, no Meg? Good! Shut up Meg!

Check out Stewie below. He looks absolutely terrifying. Like he just dropped a massive in his diaper and is waiting for Lois to clean it up.
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Bone Parasol: It’s Raining Skulls And Bones

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bone parasol
If the weather is calling for a Goth downpour of epic proportions, this Bone Parasol has you covered. It has a casting of a hawk skull at its tip and a casting of a rabbit skull on the handle. Not enough? There are also eight quail skulls dangling from the spokes.

The woman in these images looks beautiful and dangerous. It’s true. I want to approach her, but I’m too shy. Anyway, that’s beside the point. She’s not exactly dressed for going out in the rain and she’s going to catch her death of cold.

That’s my in. As she stands there shivering in the rain, bones swaying in the wind like a demented set of wind chimes, drippy makeup making her look all extra sad, I’ll drop by like the hero I am and offer her my jacket.*end dream sequence*

Nah. It’s too damn cold for that. She should have spent her money on a nice warm jacket first and THEN saved up for a creeptastic bone parasol. That’s like responsibility 101. Some lessons are best learned hard my dear. Perhaps we will meet again one day. I’ll roll the skull dice.
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Take A Bite Out Of Laundry: Shark Laundry Hamper

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shark laundry basket.jpg
This Shark Laundry Hamper has a lot to teach us about how we deal with sharks in the wild. You’ll notice that the idea is to throw your dirty and nasty clothes into the shark’s mouth. It’s fun, but also educational.

Pro tip: Humans perspire. We are dirty, stinky, nasty creatures that smell like a dog’s bunghole at the end of the day if we don’t bath and use soap and stuff. So don’t go in the water until you haven’t bathed for a good 2 weeks. When you do, go in fully clothed. And when attacked by a shark, throw your nasty human feces smelling second skins in the shark’s food-hole.

If Roy Scheider had done that in the first place it would have saved me a good 2 hours of terror!