Author: Artemis Winterford

Burrito Camera Lens Wrap

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camera burrito
The Photorito Lens Wrap is a neoprene burrito that protects your camera lens and keeps it in great shape. Also great for when you are going all James Bond and spying on people, while pretending to enjoy a nice fat burrito and read the paper. Oh, hey! Looks like the Cubs won today-

*Crunch*

Holy hell! Why? Why do I keep forgetting that there’s a camera lens in that burrito? Holy hell! The pain! *Quickly picking up teeth from the floor while holding my jaw and crying.* See this is why the British (Or any) government won’t hire me as a spy. Which is a damn shame cuz I could use some free dental.

Frankenstein Chair With Hands

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frankenstein chair
Sit down and relax awhile in this Frankenstein Chair With Hands. Cuz that’s how Franky walks. Get it? With his arms stretched out, big man hands flapping all over the place?

It looks pretty comfy as far as Franken-furniture goes. I don’t know though. I’m holding out for a full living room set that includes a Dracula love seat and a Wolfman pelt rug. This chair does go with anything though. These monsters are universal. Get it? That’s a little movie humor. I’m awesome like that.

Human Skeleton Playing Cards

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human skeleton playing cards
The head bone’s connected to the neck bone. The neck bone’s connected to the shoulder bone… I can’t get that song out of my head now. Well, if you want to learn about bones and win some money in a card game at the same time… Well, that probably makes you a Doctor with a gambling problem, but that’s okay.

Even if you aren’t a fancy Doctor, these Human Skeleton Playing Cards will teach you everything you need to know in case you ever have to do surgery in a grimy back alley, with sirens wailing nearby. Been there, done that! Doodled my way through the court proceedings!

They feature the names of the bones in English, Spanish and French. It’s practically like back alley med school for three different countries!

Toilets Of The World Book

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toilets of the world
This Toilets Of The World Book is like a travel book for your privates. I like to get a hot cup of tea and relax as I page through it, acting out the noises my bowels would make in each unique toilet. Which isn’t as easy as it sounds.

For instance, when I drop bombs in the traditional English ‘thunderbox’ is it prone to splashing? Does it echo ever so slightly? How cold is my bottom? What about the Swazi thatched ‘beehive’ hut? Is it low on water, causing my sadistic and stinky soft-serve to mound on itself until a roughly shaped beehive is formed?

Oh how I love the travel of the mind. I feel like I am there. And lighting a match.

Life-Size Needle Felted Two Headed Hatchling Faux Taxidermy

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two headed baby bird faux taxidermy
Ah, the miracle of life. Make that mutation. This Life-Size Needle Felted Two Headed Hatchling should serve all of your felted fowl decorative needs. Basically what we are talking about here is a felted bird fetus. With two heads. Big deal. I create these things all the time when I microwave my Easter Peeps.

Although mine don’t look like they fell out of an egg while doing the nasty. I know they’re conjoined and all, but that big guy in back looks like he is really going to town on that other one. What can a small head do, but lay there and take it? Poor guy. It’ll be over soon. Then big head will just do it again. And again. For your whole felted life. Nature can be so cruel.