Author: Artemis Winterford

Spooky Colored Skull Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/colored-skull-candles
These colored skull candles will add an eerie otherworldly atmosphere to your home. Things will get even scarier as they begin to melt away. They are perfect for Halloween or just creating a spooky ambiance any other day of the year.

Me? Usually when I want to create a scary atmosphere I just turn out the lights completely and then turn them on again when the cockroaches come out.

Instant terror, but I love the adrenaline rush that hits me just before I run outside and make a man-shaped hole in my screen door. I should probably call the exterminator since these things have started making Predator noises.

Light-up Iridescent Seahorse Costume

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seahorse costume
This seahorse looks surprisingly happy about washing up on a pile of rocks, so I have to deduct points for bad acting(She may have just had a bad script). However, she gets bonus points for making a kick-ass Seahorse costume and for having a nice set of sea-legs.

If you have a spare $450. and yearn to live life like the horse of the sea, go ahead and pull the trigger. Click through for another sexy beach pic, followed by a creepy pic of this Seahorse doing the chicken dance, while in the background a fog forms, summoning the ghosts of a Seahorse army.
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SPAM Recipes Playing Cards

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http://www.perpetualkid.com/spam-recipes-playing-cards.aspx
SPAM. The magical meat. The more on your plate, the warmer your seat. These SPAM playing cards have recipes on them, so you and the rest of the guys can all make toxic SPAM farts on Poker night while eating SPAM treats.

I got a full house, “SPAM and Pasta Nachos” high.

Royal Flush here, “Baked Apples with SPAM King” is high.

What do you have Bob?

*Bob covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom*

Bob’s got diarrhea.

Me too, but I ain’t whining about it. Hand me another slice of that Lemon SPAM cake would you? These are the best cards ever!

The Snack Rat Keeps Guests From Your Food

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rat snack
Man I hate it when guests drop by unannounced! Sike! Like that even happens to me. I once went a whole month without even talking to another human. It’s called Minecraft and I can quit at any time! Anyway, if you get some unexpected company and you are not prepared to feed them, you need the Snack Rat. You just set out the Snack Rat tin and no one will even care about your meager food offerings. No one wants to eat with the Snack Rat’s beady eyes on them!

Fun fact: I usually perform the role of the Snack Rat during Thanksgiving dinner with my wife and her family. Beady eyes. Check. Makes humans feel uncomfortable. Check. Total silence. Check. I just keep it up until they all leave in disgust for Chinese, then eat everything myself. The next day I mention that my thyroid problem is acting up again, which explains the weight gain.

Snack Rat strikes again!

Take A Perfect Butt Selfie With The BelfieStick

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butt selfie
Okay, so you have a mighty fine looking set of butt-cheeks. You could bounce a quarter off those cheeks and get a dime back. So you just gotta get a pic of that sweet cheek-meat and share it on social media. That’s where the Belfie stick comes in handy. It’s a stick that holds your smartphone, so you can get a picture of your badonkadonk and break the Internets. Belfie=Butt Selfie. Enough of this self-ass-ness.

I’m looking forward to the upgrade that adds like 3 feet to the stick, so you can take pictures of those extra wide Walmart shopper type butts. Actually, no. Not looking forward to that. At all. It’s gonna make Facebook walls look like the meat section of your local grocery store. If your grocery store packaged meat in short shorts and tank tops, and it just overflowed out of every side.