Author: Artemis Winterford

The Art Of Eating Through The Zombie Apocalypse

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art of eating through the zombie apocalypse
This book is called The Art of Eating through the Zombie Apocalypse. When the zombie apocalypse happens, we still have to eat, even if all we have left are those M & M’s you found behind the couch, coated in cat hair and ear wax.

This book from Lauren Wilson is part cookbook and part culinary field guide. It has over 80 recipes with food survival tips and dozens of diagrams that show you how to scavenge, forage, and improvise your way to tasty food while walking corpses do their best to kill you.

Extraterrestrial Jewelry: Crop Circle Pendant

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crop circle jewelry
Not content with ruining our fields with their crop circle shenanigans, despite several farmers yelling for them to get off their land, the extraterrestrials have now taken to making crop circle jewelry. Apparently by focusing a bunch of new age energy and channeling it through this Etsy seller.

The Crop Circle Pendant Has Arrived on your Planet Today through Skydin Zeal’s Constant Communication with the Enlightened Portion of the Universe’s Celestial Guides!

Oh cool. Thank’s for the delivery and the colorful new age pamphlet that smells like incense.
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Wounded Deer Painting/Lamp

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wounded deer etsy painting
Oh Etsy. You offer so much WTF and ask for so little in return. This Wounded Deer Painting looks like it belongs in a wasteland bar after the apocalypse, where you would find a bunch of Road Warrior cultist types worshiping it while 1940s music blares over a radio.

The candles on the antlers actually light up just like the ones on the base. What’s with the heart shaped quills on the arrows? This isn’t what love should look like. I’m confused. How is it even still alive? I’m scared. I don’t even know what to think. I’m sad.

Bride of Frankensquirrel: It’s Alive! It’s- No, Nevermind

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bride of frankenstein taxidermy squirrel
This is the problem with collecting Squirrel parts, sewing them together and reanimating their corpse. They always want a bride. Hey guys, we gotta have somewhere to store our nuts? Am I right? *High Five! Waits. Nothing. Shrugs* I’m just saying we all want a mate, even Franken-Squirrels.

This one’s a keeper. Looks like she just got back from the electricity outlet salon and she’s doing that zombie walk that monsters do. And she obviously won’t kill your credit card buying a wardrobe. Her clothes are half off already. I mean, in both price(Look at that ratty thing) and literally falling off.
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Spend A Night Getting Drunk With This Guy

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hang out with drunk guy
For $500 you can spend a night on the town, getting drunk with this Darwin award winner. If you are in the Los Angeles area. He has a list of the fun stuff you will do together:

-Human Airplanes
-Human Pyramids
-Drink Beer next to Cars
-Get 86’d from a bar
-Beer Bongs
-Become Friends
-Keg Stands

Check out the last picture below and you’ll see that the “human pyramid” is actually some sort of demonic ritual, where they form some kind of Voltron beast to corner their prey. I have no idea what kind of dark magic is going on there, but the demon in back appears to be holding a dirty diaper in a bag.

So yeah, if hanging out with drunk and demonic forces is your idea of a fun time, go for it, but you and I both know that after he’s done using you in his dark rituals, he’s going to send you home with a free mullet and a peen drawn on your face in permanent marker too.
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