Author: Artemis Winterford

Trick Your Cat With The Cat Lap

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cat lapI look so damn good in my new pants. So nice and clean. Man, check out my sweet man-butt. I’ll just sit down and relax for a minute. Kitty, no! No, kitty! That’s a bad kitty. Now I look like Chewbacca.

Yep. I’ve been there and you’ve been there. Cats just don’t give a f***. They are the creatures that invented the lap dance. They don’t even ask for cash or get some guy to hit you when you touch them. But they do leave hair all over your clothes.

That’s why I’m using one of these decoy cat laps with the crazy mom jeans. Let my cat get all up in that lap and leave it’s atomic hairballs behind. The lap is the only part of you they want anyway.
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Duct Tape Tie

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Duct Tape TieDuct tape is the answer to so many questions. Now it is the answer to good business attire. Nothing says, “I’m a go-getter who can fix things on the fly” like a tie made out of duct tape.

It goes well with the duct tape mask. Get yourself a duct tape suit and you are the coolest man in the world.

Dead Rat Scarf

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rat scarfIs it me or are rats getting bigger lately? Must be all of that radiation everywhere mutating them. Like this dead rat scarf. That’s a long wiener rat right there. It will keep you warm and toasty and all decked out in rat fashion.

Just $70 from Etsy seller MissSnowberry. Phaw. I could knit one myself. I’ll do it now. *returns 20 days later* Behold the rat scarf! *unfurls scarf* I mean Octopus. Behold the mangled octopus!
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Haunted House Black Beeswax Candle

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haunted house candleThis haunted house candle made from beeswax will let you do something you’ve always wanted to do. Burn down a haunted house and send the ghouls back to their ever lovin’ hell. When you get to the bottom of the candle and it’s nothing but a gooey pile of waxy rubble, you can be all like, “Haha ghosts. Now what are you gonna haunt?” *You* “Wait. What?” *How did you think it worked?*

“I can reshape this beeswax in no time. Just give me like 4 hours.” *Why 4 hours?* “I have kind of an attention deficit problem. I was gonna play Mario Kart, but then I pet a cat, then noticed the internet. That reminded me about Minecraft and a few hours later, I looked up, saw the candle and lit it because…fire.” *Booming voice* MORON *whoooooosh* *curtains lift in the breeze*

Well, there’s another ghost successfully banished. Out you pixies go, through the door or out the window. Oh look, a cat video.
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Barstool Racer: Drinking And Driving Optional

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bar stool racerThis sweet barstool racer starts at $99.99. Too bad it will end without a bid. Because you know, it’s tough to sit on a barstool and drink, while driving at the same time. Plus, where ya gonna go besides your own back yard? Where the neighbors will watch your crazy antics. Especially if you install a wood side table, so you can have some peanuts or pretzels. It’s the full bar experience on the move.

I’m going to the bar. *vroom vroom* Dig me out of the neighbor’s bush in like 2 hours. I don’t care how that sounds.