Author: Artemis Winterford

Drink Up: Create Your Own Potion Bottles

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potionEtsy seller CuriousCircus will let you create your own unique potion bottles. You know, so you can hack a golem to pieces or have enough mana to summon a wicked cool Priestess barely wearing any clothing and carrying a Staff of Eternal Doritos Wand.

I down like 5 stamina potions a day. At least I did, until I found out Mountain Dew is +10 diabetes. Not stamina. They really should change the color. If it’s green it should either be Kryptonite or stamina potion. And pro tip: Mountain Dew red isn’t health potion. Gives you the runs.
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Weird Al-O-Saurus Framed Original Drawing

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weird alCheck out this Weird Al drawing. He’s half man, half dinosaur, but all white and nerdy. $225 on Etsy? Damn son. I can get all up in paint shop and crack one of these bad boys out in like 5 minutes. Okay, if I did it, it would be in crayon, but I know people who can use paint shop.

My mom goes to the paint shop all the time to match the colors on the walls. Cause I’m always swinging lightsabers and knocking off paint chips like they were Sith Lords. Mom calls me Obi-Wan-You-Owe-Me. Cause I owe her for the walls. Whatevs. Bill me sucka. And by bill me, I mean Bill Cosby. As in, “Mom, get me a pudding pop!”

Rear Gear Butt Covers For Your Pet

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butt stickersStickers. To hide your pets puckered pooper. Because sphincters are just unsightly. Apply to any butt that you want to make prettier. I’m definitely getting me some of these. My cat thinks it’s funny to stick it’s butt in my face every night.

One night I woke up from a crazy dream and what I thought was my Aunt Bee’s puckered and withered lips were reaching toward me for a kiss. I’m a good boy so I kissed her. Nope. Wasn’t Aunt Bee. Was just my cat’s exhaust pipe. How was I to know? Her kisses were always sloppy and wet too.

Speak & Math Becomes Crazy Freakenspeak Dragon: Talks In Alien Voices

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speak and mathSpeak & Math. I may never have mastered it, but I get by just fine. Aside from the occasional cashier taking advantage of me and the occasional $40 dollar pizza. Like they say, they aren’t trying to rip me off. It’s just inflation. Anywho, This sweet Speak & Math has been turned into a “Freakenspreak Dragon”. Only something this badass could finally teach me some math skills.

Etsy seller ARTSTRUMENTS has mutated this Speak & Math and turned it into a crazy dragon that plays freaky sounds and alien voices. Click through for a crazy impressive list of the features.
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Custom Monster Rug: Wipe Your Feet, Then Count Your Toes

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monster rugThis custom monster rug is going to look sweet in my D and D themed nerd castle. I’m gonna tell people I killed it myself, with a buffed-up Dwarven bow and an invisibility ring. Phaw. Wasn’t even wearing the ring. Etsy seller DarkKnitsEtsy will make it custom, however you like. Then all you have to do is act like you were tough enough to bring the best down and impress your friends.

It already has a strip going down the back that makes it look like it was run over with a moped. Which in fact is a far more likely method of me killing a fierce beast.
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