Hey, look at those shoes. No wonder you’re so stupid. You’ve been standing on your brains all day. *Chuckles to myself loudly* Brains Platform Shoes deliver a roundhouse kick to my head. I fall on the floor.
*Woman stands over me. Hands on hips* Actually, they are decorated with the brains of those who have wronged me. All men, which is why it took so long to cover them.
Meet the braces ring. I hear ya. Braces belong on faces. These braces are in the wrong places. The braces ring punches faces with braces, knocking out teeth and leaving spaces, leaving suckers nothing but shaking disgraces. Sorry about that. My Seuss was loose, but I called a truce.
Anyway, the braces ring is finally an accessory for all of you braces wearers. It goes with your main grill. Don’t kiss your ring or both are gonna get tangled up.
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Sweet. I just bought Baltic Ave and Mediterranean. I’m a landlord! Finally! Woo-hoo! I am the king of great real estate decisions. Um, why is there a crack addict in that empty pool, playing a didgeridoo made out of like 10 rusty Mountain Dew cans? Also, why is the local lemonade stand manned by tweaky kids selling what appears to be blue rock candy? I guess I’m a slum lord. What a meth!
Who cares? With my awesome Monopoly sweater I feel like I own Park Place and Boardwalk. I’m pretending that the cockroaches crunching under my feet are just gravel. Gravel on my rich driveway. Gooey nasty gravel. This place isn’t so bad. Nah, it’s fine. That lady in the halter top and hot pants, leaning into that car window, must have just passed GO cuz the guy in the car gave her $200.
I want to go home to my zombie suburban wasteland!*tears*
Etsy seller CloseByMe will put the cremated remains of your loved ones into a ring of your choosing. You send her a pinch or two of your loved ones and she will work her strange sorcery as she forges the (Loved) one ring. Then you can wear your precious and stop grooming and stuff, until you and the (Loved) One ring are in a cave together in Middle Earth.
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You women and your shoes. You have to have a show for every occasion. Dinner, parties, the beach, channeling the dead. Why is it not spelled Wee-ja? Stupid English language. Whatevs! These Ouija Board Heels from MissFiendishApparel are pretty neat.
Pardon me Miss, I couldn’t help but notice your amazing Ouija shoes. I’m pretty good at communicating with the departed. Mind if I have a go? Thank you. *Bends down on one knee. Takes a ring off my finger and uses it as a planchette. It slowly moves across the shoe* Mmmm, this is interesting.
What does it say?
It says congratulations, someone is looking up your dress!
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