Category: Just Plain Weird

Ghostbusters Terror Dog

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Ghostbusters Terror Dog
Who ya gonna call? Well, to be honest, I thought I might order a pizza, maybe call for some Chinese. Then call 911 for my food poisoning. So my phone is gonna be tied up. Who should I be calling? Ghostbusters? If I ever see a Terror Dog like this, I’ll text them. Same if I see that green booger Slimer!

I’VE BEEN SLIMMED!

What, like some ectoplasm dropped from the ceiling and you had instant weight loss?

WTF? SLIMMED MAN. SLIMMED.

Can you send us a pic. We don’t wanna come out if there’s no paranormal activity.

HANG ON. *Sends selfie!*

Hmmmm. No way you got slimmed. I’d say you weigh 350 easy.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I- OH. LIMED. I MEANT LIMED!

I didn’t see any citrus in that pic.

SLIMED! MY S WAS NOT WORKING! YOU COMING OR WHAT?

Nah! We’re good.
Read more “Ghostbusters Terror Dog”

The Goat Man vs The Chupacabra Salt And Pepper Shakers

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

The Goat Man vs The Chupacabra Salt And Pepper Shakers
Ladies and gentlemen, the match you have been waiting for. No, not my butt, your face! The Goat Man vs The Chupacabra. It’s the goat vs the goat sucker. The South American sucker vs the horned half-man. Fight! Oh no. The Goat Man has left the ring and is eating all the trash. What’s this? The Chupacabra has jumped off the top rope and clothes lined the Goat Man. The Chupacabra is doing all it can to suck the blood from the Goatman, but all the goatman wants to do is eat the arena garbage…

Make every meal an episode of In Search of… Or sightings, or Ancient Aliens or whatevs. You determine who is salt and who is pepper. These crazy cryptids want to spice up your life.

Insanely Creepy Clown Tarot Card Deck

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Insanely Creepy Clown Tarot Card Deck
Clowns. I hate ’em. I’d hunt ’em if I could get a permit. I’ve tried. They are apparently never in season. This Creepy Clown Tarot Card Deck is like a visit from the most demented clown you have ever seen. Like he ties you up, pulls up a chair and gets his cards out, while he’s honking his horn and laughing all silly, drives around you real quick in a clown car, all his friends pile out and he gets out last, then they all sit around you in a circle and deal your tarot cards out.

Some of them are crying. You don’t know why. Perhaps internal torment from being natures painted demons. Some of them are blowing their nose and producing flowers from the handkerchief. You scream and no one seems to hear. The animal balloons are flying around like lofty latex clouds. Ronald McDonald looks on from the shadows way in the back. You might say they are an Insane Clown Posse.

*Shudders*

No thanks, I’ll get my readings from gypsies and grifters like I always have. As long as you don’t paint your face and squirt water on me with a flower, you can have all my money.
Read more “Insanely Creepy Clown Tarot Card Deck”

Junk Food Soap

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

junk food soap
DirtyAssSoap sells Junk Food Soap. All kinds of soap that looks like delicious food. Whether you are scrubbing your pits with cheez its or cleaning your taint with some gummy bears, these soaps will make bathing fun. This isn’t new to me. I usually have like 10 plates and bowls of junk food in the bathtub with me, all floating around me like diabetic lily pads.

Did I mention I bathe in the pool? How else ya gonna get a junk food buffet floating around you? I usually shave by rubbing a cupcake against my face and lathering up with that sweet sweet frosting. I always forget and lick the blade afterwards.
Read more “Junk Food Soap”

Have Not So Sweet Dreams: Freddy Krueger Pillow

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Have Not So Sweet Dreams Freddy Krueger Pillow
Sweet Dreams. Not! This Freddy Krueger Pillow features Freddy’s silhouette against the background of his striped shirt. He’s coming for you when you sleep. You know it and I know it. The only thing left to do is to rest your head against this pillow and close your eyes. Then prepare to do battle with the dark demon of dreams.

*Closes eyes. Finds myself in dream world. Psyches myself up for combat with the nightmare man. Sees Freddy sitting at a park bench with a checkers board.*

Holy hell. Not this again. Just kill me already! I don’t care if you need practice. You can’t keep tutoring me like this. Fine, one more game! Then find someone else to play with.