Excuse me good sir, do you have the time? *Reaches into vest. Pulls out pocket watch. Holds it to guys face* But of course. Time to bite your face off!
This Pocket Watch Full Of Teeth is, what’s the right word? I think Squeampunk fits. Yeah squeampunk. It makes me squeamish, but it’s kinda cool. No way I’m keeping this thing in my pocket, by my junk. I feel like it needs a mint or a tic-tac or something. Right in the middle there.
Unicorns Are Jerks. It’s true. Look at me. I’m so special and magical. Little girls love me and have me on their walls. Aren’t I all mysterious and magical? No, your not. You’re a jerk and this coloring book proves it. As soon as I improve my technique and stay within the lines, I’m gonna show all of my friends and then they’ll know what jerks you guys are.
This coloring book has eighteen examples of unicorns being the jerkiest jerks that ever jerked. Like texting in theaters, farting in elevators, eating your leftovers. Wait! I just realized that I’m a jerk. So I must be a unicorn. Well, I am feeling horny. I do like glitter. I also tend to poop rainbows after I eat a full bag of skittles.
Later peepz. I’m off to find my own kind and live in the land of jerkiness. Also, now I’m hungry for beef jerky.
When you’re an adventurer like me, you encounter a lot of mythical creatures. Especially at the Walmart. There’s woman with her crack showing creature, man with back-boobs creature and the ever elusive woman with quadruple butts bursting out leggings creature.
The point is, the world is a strange place. You can identify some of these specimens with The Adventurer’s Guide to the Skeletons of Mythical Creatures book. Like the Chupacabra, which I also saw at my local Walmart once. It was riding one of those motorized carts with a buttcheek hanging down each side of the seat.
Read more “The Adventurer’s Guide to the Skeletons of Mythical Creatures”
The best part of waking up is Cthulhu in your cup. It’s true. With every sip he tickles my nose and my tastebuds with his coffee soaked tentacles. These Cthulhu Coffee Mugs are spec-tentacle-tacular. I’m not even awake until I’ve had my Cthulhu brew in the morning.
When I down that drink, I look to the bottom of the mug and we lock eyes. He winks. I wink. Then I slam the cup down in satisfaction and break it into a million shards. He finds a new mug for a home and we do the whole thing over again the next day.
Read more “Cthulhu Coffee Mugs”
And you wanna be my latex salesmen? This 9 Shades Of George Costanza Pillow shows 9 of George’s most famous scenes from Seinfeld. Much like this blog, it’s a show about nothing.
There are 9 squares of George, with not a square to spare. You can get it as a pillow, an art piece, a pair of leggings, a tote bag, whatever. Having 9 Shades Of George Costanza around your house is kind of like having me there with you. We both know you picture me as short, fat and balding. Don’t deny it. I really don’t look like him. It’s the shrinkage! Shrinkage!
So many Seinfeld references, so little time. I do wear the manzier though. It’s just comfy.