Tag: bath

Zombie Hand Drain Stopper

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zombie bathtub stopper
This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.

You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.

Cat Suction Cup

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cat suction cup
Cats don’t care. They do whatever the hell they like. When they like. How they like. They are basically nature’s pain in the ass. You can’t even wash a cat without your cat freaking out and jumping out of the bath tub. Until now. The Cat Suction Cup aka “The Cat Stay and Wash” keeps your cat in one place so you can bathe Fluffy. It’s basically a cat restraint system.

This thing is going to come in so handy. First I’m going to take my kitty, Mistress Meowstress for a walk, then affix the suction cup to the outside of a convenience store while I go in and get some chips. Ah, you’re still here. Good kitty. Then we will get in the car and I will attach her to the inside windshield in an attempt to teach her how to be a GPS system and a dashboard ornament. You said right! Why would you say that? We’re lost! I asked, “Should I go right?” and you said, “Meow.” So I turned meow. WTH?

Fish In A Bag Soap

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fish in a bag soap
This Fish In A Bag Soap is supposed to look like those fish you win at a carnival that die as soon as you get home and put it in the tank. Of course, the last time that happened it was entirely my fault. Fish flakes/fish sticks? How do I know what they eat? It’s not like I’m friggin’ Aquaman over here.

Be right back! Okay I’m back. Had to remove another floater from the tank. No, not another dead fish. The crapper won’t flush. It’s cool. Just tossed it outside so I can blame the neighbor’s dog later. Aren’t you glad you don’t live by me? Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, fish in a bag. It’s a fun way to keep clean. If you’re a weirdo. Which I am.
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Puff-N-Fluff Dog Dryer

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puff n fluff
Get ready for the Puff-N-Fluff! What’s a Puff-N-Fluff? I think it’s one of them Harry Potter teams. Could be what Ron and Harry get up to after hours too. Sounds like a relaxing tuck in between two friends. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Anyway this Puff-N-Fluff is basically an astronaut suit for your dog.

You give your dog a bath. He gets water and suds all over the God Damn place and then you suit him up like he’s going to Mars to lift his leg on the Mars Rover and dig up some Martian bones. Only he’s not. You’re going to attach your hair dryer and give him a good blow until he’s nice and clean.

Why can’t I get a suit like this? I like a good blow(dry) as much as any dog.
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Get Clean Lickety Split With Tongue Soap

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tongue soap
Dogs do it. Cats do it. You should too. I’m not talking about licking your own butt while you stick your leg in the air like some carnival freak. I am talking about cleaning yourself. With your tongue. Your soap tongue. This Human Tongue Soap will get you clean, but may leave you feeling dirty.

It’s perfect for bathing with your partner. Hey, can you tongue under my arms? I have some serious BO. Also, my butt is really dirty today. It needs some extra tongue. Yeah right there. That’s a little tongue in cheek humor, right there.

You can also get the “With Teeth” soap dish shown to go with it if you want to be really weird.