Tag: bizarre

WTF… GOAT STORY Mug

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WTF... GOAT STORY Mug
What kind of half-baked hipster mysticism is this? The “Goat Story Mug” is a horn-shaped vessel like the vikings would have drank from,… If Vikings were wusses that could only conquer goats. You are supposed to drink coffee out of it. Maybe to pretend you have slain a goat in between your artisanal lunch and the daily upkeep of your man-bun. I have no idea. It has no handle.You can’t even set it on your desk. Instead you’re supposed to carry it with some kind of feminine wrist strap or purse strap attachment. So what the hell is the goat story? Don’t trust a hipster? Tell us something we don’t know. Here’s my goat story:

Once upon a time people had coffee cups. Like female CB using truck drivers, they had a handle and a flat bottom. Everyone was happy as they drank from this amazing creation. And we don’t need no stinking goat horn mugs! The end.

Kanye West – Reanimator

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Kanye West - Reanimator
What happens when H.P. Lovecraft meets Kanye West? I have no idea, but the lack of talent known as Kanye West is now starring in a classic H.P. Lovecraft tale. Just how do you transplant the personality of a wet fart into classic literature? I have no idea since I’m not going to read it and find out. I just wanted all of you to know that this exists.

Preserved Maggot Filled Heart Pendant

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Preserved Maggot Filled Heart Pendant
Nothing says love like a Preserved Maggot Filled Heart Pendant. I love you. Here have some dead maggots. Because you wiggled your way into my rotting heart like a hungry maggot on a piece of meat that had been left out in the sun. And you just kept feeding on me… Our love is kinda weird.

Yeah, I should totally write greeting cards. And because I care enough to send the very best to those that I love, I’m getting this pendant for a very special lady. Maybe she will be my maggot queen. When I kiss her, she will turn into a fly. And that’s gonna be really annoying, cuz she’s gonna land on my food and stuff, so I’m gonna have to smack her with the flyswatter! Love is eternal sure, but don’t land on the filthy toilet seat with your fly legs and then land on my dinner!

Awesome Cobra Snake Skin Leather Belt

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Awesome Cobra Snake Skin Leather Belt
This Awesome Cobra Snake Skin Leather Belt looks awesome, but I just know it’s gonna scare the hell out of my man junk underneath it, so it never rises again. Is that a snake around your waist or are you just happy to see me? I don’t know. Come a little bit closer and let’s see if it bites.

This is an awesome belt. Aside from the fact that I get bit every time I try to undo my belt to take a whiz. I can’t even undo my snake to drain my snake. Still, I look cool and that’s all that matters. That wet spot on my pants? That’s not what matters. I’m all like, “You’ve seen the cobra, wait until you see the python.” And the girls are all like, “Are you really gonna feed that little mouse to your snake?”
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Psycho Kitty Purse / Dice Bag

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Psycho Kitty Purse Dice Bag
That’s a bad Psycho Kitty Purse / Dice Bag. Bad kitty! No! This terror kitten is a purse or a dice bag. Your call. Just don’t complain to me when it rips your face off. Those eyes! They claw at my soul and lap it up like milk. Psycho Kitty! Qu’est-ce que c’est. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fa. Better, run run run run away.

He’s a psycho night-meow! Whatever you do, don’t introduce him to your kitty, unless you want a kitty shaped hole in your wall from where he ran the hell away.
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