Tag: horn

WTF… GOAT STORY Mug

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

WTF... GOAT STORY Mug
What kind of half-baked hipster mysticism is this? The “Goat Story Mug” is a horn-shaped vessel like the vikings would have drank from,… If Vikings were wusses that could only conquer goats. You are supposed to drink coffee out of it. Maybe to pretend you have slain a goat in between your artisanal lunch and the daily upkeep of your man-bun. I have no idea. It has no handle.You can’t even set it on your desk. Instead you’re supposed to carry it with some kind of feminine wrist strap or purse strap attachment. So what the hell is the goat story? Don’t trust a hipster? Tell us something we don’t know. Here’s my goat story:

Once upon a time people had coffee cups. Like female CB using truck drivers, they had a handle and a flat bottom. Everyone was happy as they drank from this amazing creation. And we don’t need no stinking goat horn mugs! The end.

Unicorn Skull Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Unicorn Skull Mask
Here’s why unicorn masks like this Unicorn Skull mask might not be a good idea:

That’s one kick-ass unicorn mask ya got there, honey. It really looks awesome. Hows about a kiss? Just lean forward and- Owwwwww! My eye! My eye! Blood everywhere! An eye on the tip of your horn! Now I’ll never be able to use the Oculus Rift and experience awesome VR! On the other hand, I hear that monocles are a thing again thanks to those damn dirty hipsters. Oh well. Time to shop the cyclops shop for a new eye. Maybe something in blue.

Unicorn masks. Beware! They are not a good idea!

In the kingdom of the blind, a one-eyed man is king. Until a unicorn takes his one eye out anyway. This dark unicorn skeleton necklace is a much safer. choice You can proudly wear the skeleton of this majestic creature and marvel at the wonder of this magical being. It is a great piece of goth jewelry that is much less likely to take your eye out, while catching the eyes of others.  By the way, is it weird that this mask kind of turns me on? I do like a cute girl in unicorn wear.
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Elven Warrior Lamb Taxidermy

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Elven Warrior Lamb Taxidermy
You aren’t a man until you have ridden an Elven Warrior Lamb into bahhhhh-ttle and lived to tell the tale. They are fierce beasts with unicorn horns and a woolly resolve.

It’s really weird too, because “on the lamb” means on the run, so when your battle commanders shouts “on the lamb, now you idiots” people just run. That’s probably why our LARPing guild only needs one of these guys.
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Weird Knife/Pipe Black Magic Ritual Tool

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Weird Knife/Pipe Black Magic Ritual ToolSometimes when you are smoking you just want to cut a b**ch. Apparently that’s the idea behind this weird devil/demon item, which is a combination smoking pipe and knife. This thing sold for $20 recently. The bowl of the pipe is between his legs and the other end of the pipe comes out his butt. So, you would basically be sucking demon-butt to get a hit. I can’t imagine that would taste like Marlboro. Well, at least you are keeping his colon clean.

This freaky demon has a single horn coming out of its head and animal pelt for hair. The top of the head is actually a knife that you can pull up to reveal a stainless steel blade. To top it all off, those teeth are REAL.

This thing belongs in the smoking room of some Secret Society where they can pass it back and forth and play sick games. And I ain’t talking twister and Yahtzee.

More images below.
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