Tag: bizarre

Holy Valhalla: Braided Viking Hair Gown

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Holy Valhalla Braided Viking Hair Gown
Mary Mary quite contrary, shave that gown, it’s way too hairy! I think that’s the first time I’ve ever said a clean version of that joke. This is a Braided Viking Hair Gown. The woman wearing it must be a tough as nails viking. I don’t have viking in my ancestry. The closest I get is biking, but that’s only when the car goes in the shop.

Damn that is one hairy dress. Worn by a bald woman. No disrespect sir, I’ve never seen a viking after they shave off all of their facial hair to make a gown. Don’t kill me with your axe while shouting to your Gods and pillaging my village! We cool. We good.

Let’s have a drink! A little hair of the dog that- Sorry. Hair’s to vikings! Waiter, more beard! I mean beer. Please don’t kill me and braid my village. I mean raid! I’m all tongue-tied. My mouth is all dry and Norse. I mean horse! So sorry!

Weird 3rd Eye Baby

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Weird 3rd Eye Baby
This thing is called 3rd Eye Baby. I call it terrifying and nightmare inducing. It’s a baby trapped in a frame, with a 3rd eye. Coincidentally, this looks like what I see in the mirror after I wake up with a red M & M stuck to my forehead. It happens more than you might think.

Hey baby, who’s your favorite band? *Stabs it in the 3rd eye with a fork.* Is it Third Eye Blind? Hahhaha. That joke cracks me up every time. You okay baby? Ever been convicted of a felony? Oh, I see. You were framed. Hahahahahha. Babies are such easy marks. Hey baby-

Wait what?

Damnit! I was looking in the mirror this whole time. Oh sweet a red M & M! nom nom nom.

Hyper-Realistic Old Man Sculpture

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Hyper-Realistic Old Man Sculpture
Damn, that is one realistic old man sculpture. He looks just like the guy that shook his fist and told me to get off his lawn yesterday. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. At least I brought my own bag. I’m not an animal. It also looks like that guy who was trying to pay at the Post Office in pennies, but then realized he wanted to mail the pennies. I guess I’m age-ist because all these old people look the same to me. They all shout the same way too. They also all drive through Dunkin Donuts windows the same.

This guy is freaking me out, like he wants to lure me into his old-person-smelling home with hard candy, and tell me boring stories for like 3 hours. 2 hours I don’t mind, cuz it’s good candy, but learn how to edit. I give most of the stories 2 out of 4 stars cuz they lack monsters, dragons and Star Wars stuff.

Damn, that is creepy realistic. I can almost see him reaching for his change purse to see if he has enough to pay for those 11 items in the 10 items or less lane.

Alien Space Dog Remains

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Alien Space Dog Remains
You know how it is. You’re out zipping through space in your Hot Rod UFO, your space dog’s head hanging out the window, when suddenly Fido has to take a leak. And since you don’t want him lifting his leg in your newly upholstered UFO, you have to make a pit stop. On Earth. But you encounter a lightning storm and you crash. Then some hick finds your alien corpse and your Alien Space Dog Remains. That’s an embarrassing way to go. Your remains are in the hands of those lower life-forms that you have probed endlessly.

I say, you got what you deserved space scum! And if my butt-hole wasn’t so messed up, I’d kick your alien keister! But I have to hit the toilet like now before I erupt! That’s your fault. And stop leaving your dogs all over our planet! *Farts as I run to the bathroom*

Anyway, damn their space dogs are ugly. Big brains though. I bet when you put a treat on it’s nose, it just telekinetically lifts it and carries it into it’s mouth. That seems like something a freaky space pooch would do. At least they are evolved enough to ASK if they can hump your leg. Probably cuddle it after too.
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Just Your Everyday Illuminati / Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp

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Just Your Everyday Illuminati Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp
Looky here. An Illuminati Teddy Bear Lamp. Also claims to be black magic. They also had Voodoo in their title. I’m surprised they didn’t mention Santeria. I had that once. I’m pretty sure it means having the runs during Christmas. Seriously though, this thing has some bad juju. I think they confused illuminati with illumination. Obvious mistake. Now ya got some half crazed devil teddy bear with a lamp on his head making you worship some freaky deity every night.

Hey, I don’t judge. You wanna have a scare-bear go for it. You won’t find this thing on my night stand. Don’t mess with the illuminati. Period. End of story, That’s all she wrote. Because a demon bear attacked her. Illuminati. As in Illumi-NOT-I. Ain’t gonna have it.

Click through for an image of a half crazed feline under it’s spell.
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