Tag: cool story bro

Crazy Werewolf Transformation Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

werewolf maskMake everyday a full moon with this crazy Werewolf Transformation Mask. You’ll have to provide your own sounds of bones breaking and tendons tearing as you transform and puke up a friggin’ Werewolf snout from your mouth. This sweet mask is just $52 and it will scare the hell out of everybody.

I actually grew up thinking I was a werewolf. Dad used to lock me up in a metal room once a month on the full moon. He told me I was a werewolf and it was for my own good. So I would freak out and claw up the walls, throw my own feces and wonder why I wasn’t all hairy. Then in the morning he let me out. Turns out that was how mom and dad got me out of their way for “date night”.

Mom, why are you walking funny? Did I get out of the cage and hurt you? Yes. Yes you did. You are a bad werewolf boy.

Jimmy , Your New Spiritual Friend

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

jimmyFor $160,000.00 you can buy Jimmy. A Spiritual friend. Well, I saved up my money and went for it. What the hell. No one else is playing D and D with me and discussing the finer points of Cheetos versus generic orange GMO sticks.

It went fine at first. I payed my money and just like in the picture, Jimmy swaggers into my house from some hyperspace orb streaming plain of existence. After he came through, he remained a creepy shadow. Dude is a jerk. Thought it was funny to stand over my bed at night and wake me up. Whatever. He just laughs in that trippy alien voice.

Came home from work one day and I catch him shadow-banging a half pound of ground beef. Dude claims it’s how he gets nutrients. Yeah? I guess that explains the hat made out of freaking sausage he wore for like a week straight, all sculpted on his head. I’m guessing he was courting the damn thing, because after about a week, he suddenly rips the thing off his head while we’re watching Netflix and stuffs it between the couch cushions, gets busy with it, has a smoke and wants me to clean it up.

I finally get Jimmy to eat like a human and guess what? They get diarrhea when they eat like that. So after coming home to “turd minefield”, last conflict of the great shadow war that is my life, I found some gypsies to work some voodoo and I sent Jimmy back where he came from, propelled by a swift kick in his shadow-ass. F U Jimmy.

Weird Taxidermy: Two Frogs Walk Into A Bar

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beer drinking frogsSomeone paid $25. for this. These guys are having a drinking contest. The guy on the left just slammed his bottle down, slammed down his hand and is like, “I effing got this!” *Huge frog burp* The guy on the right doesn’t even care. He’s just happy to be inebriated since the other frog is paying.

Fun fact: Carta Blanca means “blank check”. I know that because my landlord challenged me to a drinking contest once. Halfway through, he’s all like “Carta Blanca! Rent Gringo!” I’m like, “What? You know I don’t speak landlord.” He’s all like, “Pay rent. You sign. Leave amount blanca. That space for me to fill out.”

Now I know better. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice, shame on you. Now I get a discount on rent, because his buddy(Guy named Coyote apparently) comes around once a month and hides stuff in my house. Sometimes people. It’s a game they play.

Aliens Making Crop Circles

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crop circleThis print shows aliens making a crop circle. Just like humans, you got three guys working hard and busting their hump, while some supervisor jagoff shouts orders and tells them they aren’t doing it fast enough. “Hurry it up. You want to get demoted to anal probing again? I’m looking at you Ramirez. We don’t break until this whole field looks like a level of Pac-Man!”

Look at that one guy sitting around. There’s always one of them…and it’s usually me. I’m blogging while on a construction crew right now. Some dude just asked me to lower him down a wrench, but I’m having enough trouble holding a laptop while balancing on a steel beam, so I just kicked him down a hammer that was lying here. Totally meant to do that. Whatever a wrench can do, a hammer can do better. Just ask Thor! If wrenches were so great, he would carry one! Anyway, that was like 5 minutes ago and-

Well there’s the lunch siren/ambulance. Quittin’ time.

Vampire Vs. The Moon Painting

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vampire vs moonIt’s the titan of Transylvania versus the mighty moon. Fight! This painting depicts the ultimate showdown between the mythical vampire and our very own orbiting satellite. Just look at that vampire staring out his window and raging at the moon.

*Heavy Transylvania accent* “I curse you moon. You are made of cheese and are only good for the jumping of cows to leap over. Come at me bro. You are pock-marked like the face of a zitted teen.”

“Shut your fanged mouth Vlad, before I go all FULL on your ass and send some Werewolves to pay you a visit. You just trippin’. That’s why they call you Vlad the Inhaler. Nice pajama cape BTW.”

“How dare you? Shut your moon mouth. Why must I spend all my nights with you? My fist I shake at you, glowing demon. Leave me be to prowl the night!”

“Whatevs. Freak. Whatever you do, I’m here watching. Haha. I own the night!”

“No. I own the night! …But I will now close the curtains and own the night in this way.”*sighs*