Tag: etsy

No Thanks: Spider Backpack

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Spider Backpack
I don’t want to alarm you, but there’s a spider on your back. He looks like a spider backpack, but he’s all jacked into your spine and brain, controlling your every action. What do you do? Well, I would hand a good friend a taser and let him zap that stowaway. Hopefully he doesn’t miss and the spider has a seizure before falling to the ground dead. That’s how you deal with that little problem.

Same way I got rid of that tick I had on my side last year, when I grabbed some exposed wire from the wall and slammed it into my side after yelling CLEAR! Blew him to smithereens and burned every hair off my body. I may have looked like a naked mole rat, but I was a naked mole rat without a tick attached. Lifehacks for the win!

Dig These Crazy Creature Fossils

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Dig These Crazy Creature Fossils
These creature fossils from Dustfull let you have some neat creature bones in your home without having to dig them up. I know that my neighbors get really pissed when I dig in their yard, even though I know for a fact that there is a giant T-Rex buried there. Hey, I was as quiet as I could be with that bulldozer. They don’t come with silencers. If they did I would be digging everywhere at night and stealing bones.

They have mermaid fossils, bats, dragons and more. I told you dragons exist! But no, you wouldn’t listen. Why would they show them on Game of Thrones if they were fake? Next you’ll be telling me that half the boobs on the internet are fake. Whatevs. Do your research.
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Brian The Giant Turd Stuffed Doll

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Brian The Giant Turd Stuffed Doll
I was just saying the other day that every Brian I meet turns out to be a real turd. I’m sure their not all bad, but man, I’ve met a lot of turds named Brian. Here’s another. Brian The Giant Turd Stuffed Doll. He’s ready to be displayed in your home so he can turd up your place. Hopefully they deliver him on time and he’s not turdy. I mean tardy. I’m not sure what his maker ate, but it looks like he’s got some green shading there. Also very puffy eyes. I guess it’s tiring being a turd. Or maybe he’s just sad he came in turd place in a contest.

Also, how do you get a turd that’s segmented in that way? I’m guessing you push, squeeze and push squeeze. I have no idea. And who would have thought that a turd could have such full lips? It’s from kissin’ butt on the way out. He’s a little brown noser. That’s probably why somebody gave him that shiner on his eye.
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Realistic Snake Canes

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Realistic Snake Canes
Mike Stinnett makes canes. Canes that look like snakes. I’m talking they look like they are gonna bite you. The level of realism in his work is incredible. This is the ultimate in walking accessories. It’s also the ultimate in accessories that will scare the hell out of people. I’m scared just looking at these canes. Pro tip: Never take your cane into the wilderness and set it down, cuz you know you’re gonna pick up a real snake by accident and get bit.

Elderly people like to beat others with canes. That’s just a fact.And it would be so much more satisfying to see someone get beat with a stiff snake. Maybe that’s just me.
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Crazy Cat Lady Gourd

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Crazy Cat Lady Gourd
Being a crazy cat lady is one thing, but put some damn clothes on woman! You can’t just cover your naughty bits with cats! Well you can, but then everyone’s gonna confuse your kitties with your T***ies. Are you on some Hawaiian vacation or is this how you always dress at home? Pull yourself together.Are you out of your gourd?