Tag: fun

Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns

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celebrity meltdowns pop up book
Celebrities melt down. Sometimes like a scented candle, all fragrant and drippy, sometimes like a nuclear reactor. This Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns recreates these meltdowns in glorious 3D. Like Tom Cruise all freaking out on Oprah because his Scientology programming went wacky and the tech guys had no idea how to fix him. Or Mike Tyson biting the ear off of another human as they fight in the ring. I wonder if he still has a taste for human flesh.

Turns out, Mikey really will eat anything. Or maybe I just learned everything I know from old cereal commercials. I thought Captain Crunch was a real guy until I joined the Navy and encountered Captain jerk-face. Once I also spent two weeks in the rain forest looking for Toucan Sam. Trust me, if he even lived there, he would have been eaten by giant snakes a long time ago. Anyway, this is a fun book. With moving pictures and everything.
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Star Trek Diapers: Poop, The Final Frontier

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star trek baby diaper
Poop: The Final Frontier. I should get a pair of these, since every woman in my life calls me a man-baby and I do like to cosplay as Captain Picard. Doody-free preferably. I like my number one on the bridge. In the chair next to me. With a beard. Not in a saggy diaper that leaks and gives me a rash. Make it so!

I like my number two shot out of the photon torpedo tubes so it can freeze and twirl and spin before breaking into a million pieces against that Ferengi ship off the port bow.

“Any Klingons Number One?”

“Not a one sir. It all just broke on impact. Not a single bit clinged-on.” *Sly grin*

*Picard grins back. Sits back in the chair.*

Data looks perplexed.

Worf Sighs.

“Our work here is done. Engage!”

End episode!
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Edible Eyes

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eyeball food stickers
I won’t eat anything with eyes on it. Wait! What? You put some edible eyes on some doughnuts? Then it shall see it’s death as my wanting mouth descends upon it’s soft and jelly-filled body. It will also see the terror that is the slide down my throat and the hard landing in my stomach, where it will be compacted by the crunchy orange bones of half-digested Cheetos soaking in a river of Mountain Dew. There it will slowly dissolve until only the eyes remain to greet my next victim.

Edible eyes. I’d eat that. Say, my poops not gonna look like a brown trout now, is it? Between the corn and now the eyes, I’ll almost have a not-so Frosty the steamy brown snowman. Just needs a corn-cob pipe. I’ll be the jolly happy soul though. Feels good to unload, even if it does look back from the bowl.
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Zombie Vs. Werewolf Socks

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zombie vs werewolf socks
These Men’s Zombie Vs. Werewolf Socks are awesome. And my tootsies haven’t had a monster death match in a long time. Now fight!

Who will win? I’m putting my money on the Werewolf because that Zombie looks like he’s almost passed out from that guy’s foot stink. Who am I kidding? Everybody wins with monster socks. I’m gonna just lay around and make them fight all day. Look out! The Werewolf has a knife! Ha. I knew that long toenail would come in handy. Finish him!

Land Line Lighting: Rotary Telephone Table Lamp

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phone light

This old rotary phone may take forever to dial a number, but as a lamp it works instantly. It’s the ultimate in land line lighting.

I have one myself and I like it a lot. Thing is, every time I answer the phone I burn the hell out of my ear and mouth area. So I have trouble talking and I can hear about as well as a 90 year old at an AC/DC concert. People are starting to ask if I have a learning disability. No. I jus hath a cool lump in ma fone. It makes shaving really easy though. When I answer the phone I just rub it around my face for a clean shave before saying Haw-whoa.