Tag: geek gift

Knightly Sword Hilted Umbrella

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knightly sword
Whoa! This Knightly Sword Hilted Umbrella shall be my Excalibur. One land. One King. With this sword I’ll have a castle, a wizard named Merlin to help me, a beautiful lady of the lake all naked and stuff, a round table, and me and my knights will have some sweet adventures in the countryside. I won’t even have to free Excalibur from a rock.

Nah. I’ll probably just use this Knightly Sword Hilted Umbrella to look super cool in or out of the rain. Keep it sheathed on my back as I do a cool-guy walk down the street. Not sure why those cops are following me. Is that guy radioing for backup? Tasers are out now. Not good. Merlin, I call on your power!
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Aromas Assemble!: The Avengers Cologne Set

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avengers cologneThis Avengers Cologne set is awesome. And trust me, I need to upgrade my smell. As it is now, people have labeled my particular scent as: Rank, ripe, a trash truck on fire on a humid day, a Grateful Dead concert in it’s fifth hour and my personal favorite; a weaponized form on man-thrax. Hey, I forget to put on deodorant. Sooorrry!

Well, now I’m gonna smell great.

Captain America – Patriot
Smells like some World War II dude who slept for like 70 years. Musty and dusty, but his butt-kicking skills are not rusty.

Iron Man – Mark IV
Smells like stale sweat trapped in a jet-powered suit and since your pee-technology just gave out, there’s a wee trickle of urine with a splash of citrus.

Hulk – Be Angry
This is a grunting savage scent. It smells large, foul and angry. Think an hour after Taco Bell smell.

Thor – Worthy
Smells manly, earthy like a forged fire. But when it wears off your BO hits people like a hammer.

Nah. I’m just kidding. People say they smell good. Of course anything beats raw nerd smell, which is a cross between stale comic book paper and mom’s basement. Now where did my new Hulk issues get to?

Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit

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pet zombie garden kitI always wanted to grow my own zombie. Now I can thanks to this Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit. I can’t wait to grow him real big and cut off his head! Why else ya gonna grow a zombie? It’s all about practice for the zombie apocalypse.

Growing a zombie has gotta work out better than that time I bought that Batman figure that was supposed to grow six times it’s size. I took it out of the package and waited. Nothing. DID NOT grow. Just stood there being a weenie sized Batman. So I got pissed off and flushed it down the toilet.

Big mistake. Two hours later I hear this gurgling and groaning sound like two epic foes are fighting deep inside the pipes. Next thing you know the toilet explodes and Batman bursts out, all intertwined with Clayface as they battle.

Long story short, that was poo, not Clayface. And I really should read instructions. *Facepalm* He grows in Water! That’s how I acquired my limited edition poo armored Batman figure with authentic Gotham sewer scent.
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Dinosaurs With Jobs Coloring Book

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dinosaurs with jobsWorried about illegal aliens and robots taking all our jobs? What you should be worried about are dinosaurs taking our jobs. Like that T-Rex that works as a janitor at my local mall. He can sweep and mop just fine, but he spends most of the day asking for help picking stuff up off the floor. Stupid stubby T-Rex arms. Affirmative dino action. What are you gonna do? Dinosaurs are getting all our jobs whether we like it or not. Damn DNA cloning techniques.

Anyway, now you can celebrate dinosaurs with jobs with this awesome coloring book that I am way too excited about.

Soylent Green Snack Pack: It Really Is Made Out Of People

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soylent greenHow about that? It turns out that Soylent Green really is made out of people. Bulbous-nosed green people, who come four in a pack. Click through for more images and a bonus video of Charlton Heston warning us about this popular snack.
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