Tag: the gift that keeps on giving…nightmares

Giant STDs: I Didn’t Do It!

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

plush stds
These Giant STDs are the same itchy, rashy and sometimes puss-filled creatures you know and love, but in cuddly plush form. Man, I get all itchy just looking at them. And now that I’ve had a closer look, I think I recognize some of these guys. We go way back.

Hey, it’s my old pal herpes. I’m just gonna drop by and say hi. Just mingle, I won’t be long. I promise. Cuz once he gets going, there’s no stopping him. After that I just want to say a quick and long overdue FU to Gonorrhea and then we’re out of here.

Nasty Human Mouth Coffee Cup

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mouth coffee cup
Is it wrong that these nasty mouth coffee cups make me want to tongue my mug really good to get that last drop of coffee? I’m a sucker for a mouth that looks like it belongs to a sea hag with a serious meth problem. No, meth problem. Not math problem. She only has a math problem if she can’t count the few teeth she has.

These human mouth coffee mugs certainly look enticing. They are based on new technology that makes you vomit a little in your cup for every sip you take. A sip of coffee for a bit of sick sounds like a fair exchange to me. However that anus with a tooth known as “C” really scares me.
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Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

pet zombie garden kitI always wanted to grow my own zombie. Now I can thanks to this Pet Zombie Plant Garden Starter Kit. I can’t wait to grow him real big and cut off his head! Why else ya gonna grow a zombie? It’s all about practice for the zombie apocalypse.

Growing a zombie has gotta work out better than that time I bought that Batman figure that was supposed to grow six times it’s size. I took it out of the package and waited. Nothing. DID NOT grow. Just stood there being a weenie sized Batman. So I got pissed off and flushed it down the toilet.

Big mistake. Two hours later I hear this gurgling and groaning sound like two epic foes are fighting deep inside the pipes. Next thing you know the toilet explodes and Batman bursts out, all intertwined with Clayface as they battle.

Long story short, that was poo, not Clayface. And I really should read instructions. *Facepalm* He grows in Water! That’s how I acquired my limited edition poo armored Batman figure with authentic Gotham sewer scent.
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