Tag: hand

Hand Of Glory Candle Holder

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hand candelabra
This hand of glory candle holder should be very handy when the power goes out. As long as some wizard/mad scientist doesn’t re-animate the thing. I don’t mind a weird re-animated hand pinching my butt so much, it’s the setting fire to my pants that I have a problem with. *Runs around like a cartoon, trailing smoke and jumps in a tub of cold water.* Ahhhhh. That’s much better.

I actually used to have one of these, but then I high-fived it and set the drapes on fire. Now I’m not allowed to have fire-things.
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Freddy Krueger Nightmare on Elm Street Coffin Box

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Freddy Krueger Nightmare on Elm Street Coffin Box
This Freddy Krueger Nightmare on Elm Street Coffin Box reminds me of that time I pranked Freddy, putting the glue on the coffin box and waiting for him to put his hand down. Good times. He was so mad, slashing everywhere and cursing. Just smacking stuff instead of slashing it. Dude invaded my dreams for a week, but he couldn’t stay mad at me.

Now Jason Voorhees. That dude can’t take a joke. You paint pink flowers and My Little Ponies on one hockey mask and he’s all like, I’m gonna chop your door down with a machete and hack you to bits. What a nut. Even now a month later, I can see him outside of my window just standing there looking creepy.
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Zombie Hand Drain Stopper

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zombie bathtub stopper
This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.

You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.

Zombie Hand Guitar Hanger And Wall Hook

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zombie hands

Looking for a place to hang your guitar? This Zombie Hand Guitar Hanger And Wall Hook will do. You know, I’m sick of everyone perpetuating the war with zombies. I’m a peacemaker. I’m also a hell of a pizza maker, but that’s another story. Anyway, I would use this Zombie Hand to practice my diplomatic skills. And you can too.

First hang it low on the wall.
Next approach it slowly.
Then gently take the hand and shake it. Say “How do you do? My name is so and so. No, not sew and sew, that’s my grandmother.” Talk about how your peoples have been at war long enough and that it is time for a new golden age of friendship. Talk about Hope. Change. Say, Yes We can.

Then just do a 180 and cut the zombie’s damn fingers off if he doesn’t cooperate cuz that’s how politics works and they are all lying bastards. No wonder zombies hate you.

Bloody Skeleton Hand Journal

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bloody skeleton hand journalWhether you are jotting down some random thoughts, or writing the next great novel, this Bloody Skeleton Hand Journal says “Stay the hell out of my journal. The last guy to page through my journal lost a hand. He also bumped into a lit candle and dripped red wax allll over the damn thing. It was a mess. The pages are still sticking together! So just don’t! Please! Totally ruined that My Little Pony/Doctor Who fan fiction I was writing. Rainbow Dash and the Doctor had just kissed. I can’t even-”

*shudders* Write? I mean right? Keep your hand off my journal. And stop being a klutz. You almost burned the place down.