Tag: jewelry

Creepy Gothic Eye Jewelry

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

blue eye
Etsy seller twistedsisterarts must have killed a lot of dragons to make these awesome Gothic Eye Jewelry pieces. She has headpieces, pendants, cloak fasteners and more. I wonder where she stashes the corpses.

I bet her jewelry stand transmits to a wall of TVs in dragon heaven, where they watch her through their dead eyes and count the days until they can have sweet revenge. I like the pink eye below the best. Maybe because I’ve had it so many times. Washing your hands is for sissies.
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Zip Up, Zip Down: The Zipper Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zipper necklace
Be super stylish and fashion forward with this Zipper Necklace, whether you are zipped up or zipped down. Little known fact: I have a zipper phobia, better known by it’s Latin name Penicus-Caughticus-Zipperus. Every time I look at a zipper I scream as if in pain and go down on my knees while clutching my man-junk. Not a pretty sight.

No way I could date a woman with this accessory. Every time I looked at her chest(Which I would do often because I’m a guy) I would be doubled over, holding my pee-pee. I guess it wasn’t meant to be my love. You should have chosen a button-fly necklace. Ado ado. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Owie! It hurts again!

This Belt Buckle Will Take A Bullet For You

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bullet belt buckle
Pew! Pew! Pew! You missed me! Thank God I have my bullet belt buckle to catch lead. This is the biggest, baddest, rootin’ tootin’est, Texas, Remember the Alamo, give me liberty or give me death belt buckle ever to hold a man’s drawers in place. Yee-Haw!

This piece of redneck royalty-wear is $99. Can I get a hundred dolla holla?

Holllllllla!

Sold! To the man with the ten gallon hat and the 40 gallon waistline.

Extraterrestrial Jewelry: Crop Circle Pendant

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crop circle jewelry
Not content with ruining our fields with their crop circle shenanigans, despite several farmers yelling for them to get off their land, the extraterrestrials have now taken to making crop circle jewelry. Apparently by focusing a bunch of new age energy and channeling it through this Etsy seller.

The Crop Circle Pendant Has Arrived on your Planet Today through Skydin Zeal’s Constant Communication with the Enlightened Portion of the Universe’s Celestial Guides!

Oh cool. Thank’s for the delivery and the colorful new age pamphlet that smells like incense.
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Fashionably Creepy: Tick Earrings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

tick earringsTick earrings. Is your skin crawling yet? Man, I hate these damn dirty bloodsuckers. Ticks are natures Vampires and if they attach themselves to your skin and start sucking, all you can do is kill them with fire. That usually means having your friend light a match while you are both freaking out and having that friend burn you over and over again while completely missing nature’s bloodsucking demon. Can we get this damn thing off of me or are you tattooing me with FIRE?

When you do finally burn these freaks of nature, they let go and get the hell off! Usually leaving you worried about having some kind of horrible disease. Thanks nature! This is why I stay inside and play video games.

They really tick me off!
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