Is it the Day of The Dead already? That would explain that rotting zombie at the ATM machine that I had to decapitate with a shovel. It would also explain why my trip to Target was like black friday on acid. Well, time to get my survival gear ready and head out to the mountains, where I will spend my days keeping an eye out for zombies and my nights, reading by this cool Day Of The Dead Skull Faces Mini LED Color Changing Lamp.
Until one night when I fall asleep early and find a zombie gnawing on my arm. Bad zombie! Bad! *hits it in the nose with newspaper. Then when I see it won’t be trained as a pet, blows it’s head off.*
These Skeleton LED Gloves make your hands look like neon bones. I AM THE FUTURISTIC ROBOT SKELETON. Let’s get this rave started! Are raves still a thing? Do they rave about them? Does anyone have a spare pacifier I can borrow? One that hasn’t been in any orifices this time would be much appreciated. Yeah, very funny. Now turn down the lights and watch my hands do their thing! Read more “Skeleton LED Gloves”
*snoring. Hears a noise. Shouts, “Burglar!” as I jump out of bed grabbing my bat/flashlight. Jumps toward the corner of the room where I heard the noise. Turns on flashlight as I beat something savagely so it looks like a disco to anyone looking at my window. Out of breath. Whoever it was, they seem to have given up so I shine the flashlight down toward the carpet. I knew it! Proudly stands over the corpse of the dead spider in the spotlight.*
Alien encounters can be awkward and not just because they stick stuff in ya without buying you dinner first. Because you can’t understand a damn word they’re saying. This E.T. Extraterrestrial Communication Knowledge Transfer Device will help. So the next time they come to abduct you in the night, you’ll be able to understand their language.
That’s when you find out that they think humans are just a game of operation. The Goofy Game for Goofy Doctors. I know when I bought one of these, I heard “Alien Gary” bitching to “Alien Mike” about how his wife doesn’t understand him because his quasar zoomboffulator was overpriced and out of warranty and it makes a real miff-zi-stache of his home life. “Alien Mike” owns a Zeff farm full of grazing Zergnars and recently got caught “nerfing the herd”, which is why he got stuck on this sh***y work detail.
I was all like, “Guys, I know I’m gonna forget about all of this later, but please, concentrate on the task at hand! Damn that hurts. Pay attention. Am I impregnated yet or what? Gary, you gotta man up and face the wife! Mike… Mike, you’re just sick. Seriously. Get away from me. Gary, let’s hurry this up. I have an early morning tomorrow.
