Chinese Loch Ness Monster Spotted

Chinese Loch Ness Monster Spotted
This is a cell phone video from China that supposedly shows a mysterious creature briefly emerging from a lake while a bunch of onlookers panic and make noise. The footage was filmed at a lake in China’s Louping County, and shows a dark object causing ripples on the surface of the water. Then another part of the creature suddenly pops up out of the lake and witnesses can be heard gasping and shouting some more.

Let’s see, we have bubbling and ripples on the water. My research suggests that this is yet another case of the “Nessie farting” phenomenon. No wonder the witnesses are freaking out. Nessie farts reak. Nessie rips some farts and the bubbles rise, rippling the water when they hit the surface. Sometimes you lose control and poop hits the surface. Don’t believe me? Get in the bathtub and let one rip. I just tested my theory a minute ago. In fact I’m still in the tub. Just did it again. Hang on, gotta plug my laptop in again. Rips a huge one. Hey, look at me, I’m Nessie.

*Creates a wave that hits my laptop and electrocutes me for like ten minutes. We’ll talk later when I get out of my coma.*
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Loch Ness Monster Stalks Scottish Village

Loch Ness Monster Stalks Scottish Village
The Lochness Monster has apparently left the water and is stalking a Scottish village. No doubt in search of the nasty Scottish dish known as Haggis. It is a little known fact that Nessie loves him some Haggis. So it was apparently just roaming around the countryside. Probably shouting, “HAGGIS! Where’s me fekking Haggis? I could also use a kilt! Me wee bits are gettin’ shrivelled in the chill!” He’s walking along, peeping in windows and scaring sheep and whatnot.

I think that this marks the first time that Nessie has been spotted outside of the Loch. Maybe he got Loched out! In which case he is out of Loch, I mean luck. I mean, it looks like a bad photoshop, but the thing is, monsters all look like bad photoshops anyway. Cuz they’re nasty!
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Grab Your Crayolas – Cryptozoology Coloring Book

Cryptozoology Coloring Book
Prepare your crayolas and your peepers for a Big foot sighting! The Cryptozoology Coloring Book is all about coloring those crazy creepy cryptids! Want a pink Sasquatch? Wait, that sounds dirty! My point is, you can make Bigfoot any color you want. The Loch Ness Monster too. It features 22 legendary animals from around the world. Color me stoked! This activity book is for kids or adults. I know what I’m doing this Saturday night! I call it crying and coloring, then crying some more. I’m looking forward to it. *sad tears*.
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Scented Loch Ness Monster Ornaments

Scented Loch Ness Monster Ornaments
I know what you’re thinking. That Scented Loch Ness Monster Ornaments surely smell like seaweed and monster pee. Nope. These ornaments are lavender scented. Hang them anywhere you want. On your Christmas tree, your rear view mirror, wherever. I have mine above the Captain’s wheel on my boat. Sometimes I reach up and sniff it like a bloodhound, so I know if I’m getting close to Nessie or not. It doesn’t help, but I feel a little high. Then I forget what I was doing and spin donuts on the water until the coastguard comes. So that was my weekend.

Cryptozoology Tracking Society Patches

Cryptozoology Tracking Society Patches
Yeah, I remember getting some of these Cryptozoology Tracking Society Patches when I was back in Paranormal Boy Scouts. I hunted down Mothman and got that patch. Hunted down the Chupacabra and got that patch too. Little freak scratched my arm and gave me gangrene. I never got the Loch Ness Monster patch cuz I never made it to Scotland. Also never got the Jersey Devil patch cuz seriously, f**k Jersey.

Put these patches all on one jacket, then go out into the woods and dare these beasts to mess with you!