Tag: novelty

Praying Zombie Hands

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Praying Zombie Hands
Praying Zombie Hands! Dear God, thank you for this bounty of brains on my plate. Thank you for making me a rotting undead corpse who shuffles more than walks. Thank you for making all living humans fear me, even though I get my brains from the local research laboratory. Thank you for those people who shot at my head today and missed.

Could you please moisturize me a little though? My skin is really peeling off lately. Not that I question your wisdom. And please keep me safe guys with shotguns. I can only move so fast, cuz I’m friggin’ undead here. Also, yesterday my pee-pee dried up and fell off. Anyway I could grow another?

Amen.

Retro Nightmare Print

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Retro Nightmare Print
It’s the 1950s. Your wife has just brought you your pipe and slippers. Your daughter just expressed an opinion so she’s on time-out sitting cross-legged on the floor. Life is good. Even if Betty Crocker over there did manage to burn the casserole. Looks like it’s whiskey for dinner. Again. You turn on your radio for an exciting night of imagination fun-time, when suddenly killer mutant spiders attack. They enter through the fireplace and even bring a large mutant housefly. For some reason, your daughter is playing with one. What do you do?

Apparently you just turn the volume up on the radio and try to tune it all out as you knock back a few glasses of whiskey. That’s just how you deal with stuff in the 1950s. Happened to my folks all the time. I was the kid playing with the spider. By playing I mean screaming in terror and asking daddy why he doesn’t help.

I wasn’t nearly as brave as that girl in this Retro Nightmare Print.

Spruce The Sasquatch Doll

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Spruce The Sasquatch Doll
Hey Spruce what up? Everybody, this is Spruce The Sasquatch Doll. Spruce, this is everybody. Now mingle. I’ll get the drinks. So Spruce, why are you named after a tree? Or is because you like to clean the house? You know, sprucing things up a bit? I kid. I kid. Speaking of kids, where’s your daddy Bigfoot? I guess even you don’t have sightings since he’s behind on child support. Zing! Burn! And why do you look like my grandmother? Are we related? I know we have the same amount of chest hair. Not to mention the same caveman IQ.

These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry
If I had a purse, and I don’t, I would keep all of my junk food in it. What about that bag you carry around with you? That’s not a purse. That’s a laptop bag. Don’t you keep your chapstick in there? You shut up. You shut your fat mouth. You sound pretty emotional. Do you have any menstrual pads in there? Shut up! You hear me? Here, have a Snickers bar. You are a real diva when you get hungry. Thanks. *Om nom nom* Turns back into Steve Buscemi.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Me, Steve Buscemi, really digs these purses. I think you will too. They’re junk food, but also purses. I don’t carry a purse, but if I did- You do idiot. Shut up will you? Here, have another snickers. You are a real diva when you are Steve Buscemi. *Om nom nom.* Turns into Betty White.

You know what, I’m just gonna give up Snickers bars and be myself.
Read more “These Junk Food Purses Are Making Me Hungry”

Alien vs Pinhead Painting

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Alien vs Pinhead Painting
Aw. Look at that alien getting ready to tuck in Pinhead in this Alien vs Pinhead Painting. Maybe read him a little dead-time story. I had no idea these two were friends. Pinhead has great taste in bedsheets. But how does he sleep without poking holes in his pillow? Guy must go through a pillow a night. Wait. I don’t think they’re friends. I think that alien is gonna eat that pinhead. Well, everything but his head. No way that alien wants to cut up his mouth.

Hush my little Pinhead, don’t you cry.
Alien’s in your room and you will die.
He’s here to pull your face away from your head.
And leave it on the pillow on your bloody bed.