Tag: novelty

Don’t Wish For It, Work For It Paper Weight

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Don't Wish For It, Work For It Paper Weight
At first i thought someone snuck into the gym and took a picture of me, but then I didn’t see any pizza and I knew it was cool. I just go for free pizza night and sit on the weight lifting bench eating it. But no, this is just a motivational paper weight. They did get all of my details just right though. The facial hair, chest hair, armpit hair. Even the outfit I wear.

The battery is all wrong though. I use a much taller battery. That way when I do lift, it encourages me to keep going. Lift, lower until the weight bar connects with the battery, get zapped and do it again.

Don’t Wish For It, Work For It! You hear that all you Genie lamp rubbers? Heh. Genie lamp rubbers. Sounds like a condom brand. Nobody steal that. I’m gonna patent it and sell it with the slogan, “Put it on. Rub and get 3 wishes.”
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Aliens Facehugger Heart Necklace

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Aliens Facehugger Heart Necklace
If you give this Aliens Facehugger Heart Necklace to someone you love, it could lead to a Valentine’s day massacre. Hugs are great and all, but not when they come from alien scum that wants to kill you with hugs to the face. At least this guy here is hugging a heart, but he will gladly trade that to wrap around your heart and squeeze real tight.

Present this with a box of chocolates and she will love you forever. Or at least until her face gets hugged off. What kind of creature evolves to hug face anyway? Suckin’ face? That I understand. every teen evolves into that? But what species says, I want to hug face when I grow up.” Have they seen the faces of most humans. I have and let me tell you, we are f***in hideous. Sure, we have a few lookers, but most of us? Real f***in’ ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or in the tentacle of your Facehugger. I hope this guy finds an attractive face. Other than mine obviously. I make my living with this face. No, seriously, this one network pays me to stay off TV. YouTube too.

The X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candle Set

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The X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candle Set
These X-Files Saint Scully and Saint Mulder Prayer Candles will help to insure that your prayers reach them and aren’t intercepted by grey aliens. You know how it is when you pray to Saint Scully and Saint Mulder. Mulder wants to believe so he’ll listen to anything, but Sculley is a skeptic so she’s the one you really have to convince.

Tell them all of your darkest secrets and throw your prayers their way. I’m gonna ask for a ride on a UFO and a sweet conspiracy adventure where I can’t trust anyone. I’m already with the feds. No really. I’m a F-emale B-ody I-nspector.

Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume

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Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume
Now I can have my own ghost hunter show thanks to this awesome Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume. Cuz you gotta look the part when you’re pulling on fishing line and making stuff fly across the room for profit.

I gotta work on perfecting my upper crust A-hole Victorian accent. It comes with a cemetery hat, an old timey coat, vest, scarf, gloves and shirt. Plus Neon Ecto Bait Tube that glows under blacklight, a vial of Authentic Tombstone Az, Boot Hill Dirt that acts as Ghost protection, an animated/ Vocal Spirit Containment Lantern, and a Neon Blue Finger Light that illuminates You.

SWEET! I ain’t ‘fraid o no ghost.
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Paranormal Alphabet Cross Stitch Pattern

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Paranormal Alphabet Cross Stitch Pattern
If you’re looking for a cross-stitch pattern that features all kinds of paranormal stuff, check out this Paranormal Alphabet Cross Stitch Pattern. This thing is like a conspiracy wrapped in a riddle, with a creamy nugget enigma topping. It has the Illuminati, UFOs, Aliens, the Jersey Devil (I hear he recently relocated to New York) and much much more. It’s like the X-Files as created by a Golden Girl. Mind blown! The truth really is out there. Wayyyy out there.

My grandmother would love this pattern. She likes to sit in her chair knitting all night, wearing a tin-foil hat, so that the aliens don’t get her. That’s why I have like a hundred half finished shirts with Bigfoot getting out of a UFO. Don’t worry grandma, you’re safe for now, but displease me once more and those aliens in the clean white coats are coming to take you away.

Psst. I found a sweet and dirt cheap “Retirement community”. Odd that the guy that runs it likes to meet in back alleys. Also odd that the place looks like a burned out building with a bunch of homeless people, but what do I know about cutting edge elder care?