These Spooky Trees Halloween Wine Glasses are not only spooky, but scary too. An empty wine glass is a horrifying thing. Quick, fill me up. Ahhhh, that’s better. Again. Chop chop. We wouldn’t want my liver getting dry, now would we? Make like a tree and leave. Then come back with my drink. Don’t you bark at me. Hmmm. I just ran out of tree jokes. I’m gonna get to the root of my drinking problem, I swear. But I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that won’t be happening tonight. Give me another kind of drink. Gonna branch out. *Passes out*
Tag: novelty
Weird Alligator Taxidermy Dolls
Damn, that’s one ugly chick. These Weird Alligator Taxidermy Dolls from OddlyUniqueCreations is fugly. And I thought I was gator bait. Reminds me of that blind date my friend set me up on. She looked just like this. Gave me Er-reptile dysfunction for like a week. I was all like, “See ya later alligator” and “after while crocodile.” I might have also told her that I would need some pretty strong gator-aid to take her home. *shudders* Not gonna lie. I downed some strong gator-aid and bumped nasties with her. She sure knew how to spin a guy around in bed so it feels like your drowning. I lost an arm that night. Never called her back. She was the one that got away. Sure, I set traps, called in Steve Irwin… Wasn’t meant to be.
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Dragon Skull Beeswax Candle
Cool Dragon Skull Beeswax Candle dude! Mind your own beeswax!
If you light it, they will come. Huh? Who’s that? If you light it, they will come. Uhhhhh. That’s the first time the voices ever said that. *Shrugs and lights my awesome dragon candle.* Weird. It’s getting all dark and stormy outside. Sounds like wings flapping. And shrieks. *Watches as a dragon busts through the window pane. Another bursts out of the fireplace. And the front door. Then the Kool-Aid man breaks through the wall shouting, “Oh yeah!”*
Oh f**k! What have I done?
Hangman Tie: Tighten The Noose
Do you have to wear a noose to work everyday? I feel for you man. Me too. It’s a real noose-ance. Nothing to get all knotted up about. Check out the Hangman Tie. Now that’s a noose.
We all know that having to wear ties is nothing but “the man” keeping us down. By “the man” I mean the hangman obviously. Working for the man ain’t nothing but a slow climb up the gallows with only a quick drop to look forward to. Damn, I said something profound. Now I have to go look up “profound”. Also, sorry about the gallows humor. Damn, I said something “profound” again. BRB while I go look it up.
Update: Sorry it took so long. I forgot how to spell it, then got distracted by the TV. Then again by the computer. I still don’t know what it means, but here’s my definition: I’m friggin awesome!
Poop Emoji Plunger
Poop. It’s what clogs up your toilet so you have to plunge and get nasty toilet water all over you. Poop is the enemy. Why do you think we get rid of it everyday? Why do you think we put it in flaming bags so other people step on it? Well, when it comes to clogging up the old docking yards with your Cleveland steamers, you have to fight poop with poop. Get the Poop Emoji Plunger.
And plunge that toilet with this smiling fecal friend. He’s poop. He’s a plunger. He gets the job done.