Wowzers! I don’t even know what to say. This thing goes by the name Patricia. *Speaks to the 40 year old corpse in the rocking chair.* Do you like my art mother? I made this just for you. It has your name.
Some artists work in clay or paint. This one works in screws, nails and cigarettes to burn things with. On the plus side, it’s apparently poseable, so you can display it in your cabinet of horrors in a variety of poses.
You’re so snuggly Mr. Teddy Man. Will you make all of my dreams come true and love me forever? You’re so sweet. I wish I could lay here forever in your manly embrace. But I have to go to work and pine for you for the next 8 hours, while I wonder why I don’t have a real man. Oh no! I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Please don’t leave me! I can do better. I can change. I didn’t mean it! Please don’t- Oh, you aren’t leaving. I’m sorry. You really are the best. I don’t deserve you.
What’s up formaldehyde face? It looks like your head fell in the cheese dip back in 1957. You. You’re okay. This one? Real f**kin ugly. I’m not saying that nothing would happen after a couple of drinks, though.
This They Live mask makes you look like one of those aliens that secretly controls the world. I’m surprised I can see it for what it is. I’ve spent like 4 years checking out every pair of sunglasses in every store and I haven’t found the magic pair yet, that will let me see our true masters.
Now you can experience the joy of having your own badass Alien Abduction Tattoo without all of the pain of having it on your own flesh. This Alien Abduction Tattoo On Synthetic Life-Like Flesh will make a great conversation piece. I like that it looks like a limited edition Pop Tart. Don’t put this thing in your toaster, unless you like the smell of burning synthetic flesh in the morning.
It’s not real flesh obviously. The aliens probably have walls full of the real thing. If you get an alien abduction tattoo, they will rip it off while you are on the exam table. They gotta keep their secrets after all.
Etsy seller ContrivedtoCharm has some cool Leather Tarot Card Holders. That way you can keep your deck safe and organized. Reminds me of the only time I ever went to a psychic for a Tarot Card reading:
The death card. What does that mean?
Death! You idiot!
You mean someone in this room is gonna die?
I think we both know who.
Whatevs ya old crackpot! *Throws a tip on the table and heads for the door. Leaves and slams door. Hears a loud BOOOOOMMMMM! Opens door and peeks back in. Sees a pair of feet sticking out from underneath the piano that fell from the second floor.*
Holy Madame Cleo! She was right.
*Tiptoes around the wreckage to retrieve my tip.*
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