Tag: sweater

Horror Themed Halloween / Holiday Sweaters

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Horror Themed Holiday Sweaters
It’s that time of year again when horror and candy gathering collide. At least that’s what the guy in the local convenience store said last time I came in. Well, it’s also Halloween time. You, like I, need some cool Halloween shirts. I hope they come in XXL, cuz I’m an Xcellent Xcellent Lover. *Makes phone sign with fingers. Shakes it.* Call me ladies.

Mondo has unveiled a line of holiday horror sweaters. Choose from Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Freddy Krueger. They were designed by Middle of Beyond.
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Rib Cage X-Ray Skeleton Sweater

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Rib Cage X-Ray Skeleton Sweater
Hey, nice ribs. You’ll be a walking X-Ray in this Rib Cage X-Ray Skeleton Sweater. You’ll be warm even though it looks like you have nothing on. Fun fact: This is how I look every time I plug in my toaster. I always curse the landlord, shake uncontrollably for 2 hours and then forget about the whole thing. This jogged my memory. What was I typing about? I like toast.
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Freddy Krueger Crew Neck Sweater

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Freddy Krueger Crew Neck Sweater
Really digging my new Freddy Krueger Crew Neck Sweater. Never heard of Freddy Krueger, but I bet he’s like one of the top designers. Everyone else is digging my threads too. They’re all checking me out. Eyeing me up as I walk down the street. This sweater goes well with my not-trimmed for like 10 years fingers on my right hand that are sharp as knives. The street sign says I’m on Elm. I hope this Craigslist dude has my stuff and doesn’t kill me.

Hmmm. Not sure why the town is now rounding the corner with pitchforks and torches, but… I’m starting to think they don’t like this shirt.

This Monopoly Sweater Gets You Free Parking All Day Long

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monopoly sweater
Sweet. I just bought Baltic Ave and Mediterranean. I’m a landlord! Finally! Woo-hoo! I am the king of great real estate decisions. Um, why is there a crack addict in that empty pool, playing a didgeridoo made out of like 10 rusty Mountain Dew cans? Also, why is the local lemonade stand manned by tweaky kids selling what appears to be blue rock candy? I guess I’m a slum lord. What a meth!

Who cares? With my awesome Monopoly sweater I feel like I own Park Place and Boardwalk. I’m pretending that the cockroaches crunching under my feet are just gravel. Gravel on my rich driveway. Gooey nasty gravel. This place isn’t so bad. Nah, it’s fine. That lady in the halter top and hot pants, leaning into that car window, must have just passed GO cuz the guy in the car gave her $200.

I want to go home to my zombie suburban wasteland!*tears*

Men’s Hairy Belly Ugly Christmas Sweater T-Shirt

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fat hairy guy in ugly christmas sweater shirt
Why go through the trouble of shopping for an actual Christmas sweater when you can buy this one? Besides, who wants a festive Christmas sweater full of reindeer and trees and Santas, when you can have one that makes you look like a fat hairy guy who just woke up from a weekend bender and has to get to their Santa job at the mall? It even has a bit of mistletoe above the belt buckle area.
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