You aren’t a man until you have ridden an Elven Warrior Lamb into bahhhhh-ttle and lived to tell the tale. They are fierce beasts with unicorn horns and a woolly resolve.
It’s really weird too, because “on the lamb” means on the run, so when your battle commanders shouts “on the lamb, now you idiots” people just run. That’s probably why our LARPing guild only needs one of these guys.
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What’s up Cthulhu? I see you took my advice and grew a Cthulhu beard. See, now you look like a wise and evil ancient horror. You’re welcome. What? No, I’m not gonna help you trim that thing. All these scissors are gonna do is cut off like a million bits of tentacle until it looks like a serial killer fought an octopus in here. Okay fine, hold still.
An hour later…
*Sweeping up tentacle shavings from all over the floor.* What’s that? Bag it up and take all of it to a restaurant? Some place that serves calamari? So that your evil can affect the bellies of a million mortals? Sounds like a plan. It’s all swept up and I’m outta here. I’ll check in on you next week and we’ll see about fixing that computer problem. No, I know, there’s really no reason your Facebook doesn’t work. You adjusted the rabbit ears and everything.
*Grumbles.* Christ, this guy’s worse than my own grandmother. Oh well. Ya gotta be cool to your elders.
The LAMBAG is not for the sheepish. This lamb purse is perfect for people on the lamb. I’m gonna call him Lambert and take him with me when I go shopping. “You can’t bring that in here!” The hell I can’t. You have your purse and I have mine. Next you’ll be asking me to remove my high heels and take off my makeup. It’s a GD police state!
“No sir. It’s not the dead animal on your hip, but all of the lamb and sheep puns we object too.”
Stares stunned. “Bah!” Walks out.
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Check out this piece of Die Antwoord Baby Rat Taxidermy. If you don’t know who Die Antwoord is, I feel sorry for you. They are awesome and weird as f**k. Look them up now and either be blown away or totally freaked out by their music videos.
Ninja and Yolandi have never looked better. Actually they have. But not by much. Now I have that song going through my head. “I fink you’re freaky and I like you a lot!”. That’s kinda how I feel about this piece.
Armadillo Lamp. For when you need an Armadillo and a lamp in one. It’s a lamp-adillo. A real fringe item. *Elbows you in the rib and points to the fringe.* Basically it’s a dead animal suspended for all time above a small burning sun, which would burn it’s insides if it had any left. Those are probably splattered all over some Texas highway.
Spent a week in Amarillo and met an Armadillo. Walked across the road and he got flat as a pillow. So I took him home and put him on the grill-o. Afterwards I cleaned it with a brillo. Pad.
I have no idea what I’m even typing. Bartender! Another drink. And no, I refuse to stop blogging in your establishment. Just lock up and I’ll find my own way flat onto my face. Same way you found me this morning.