Tag: vampire

Victorian Vampire Evening Gloves

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Victorian Vampire Evening Gloves
Oh sexy. Nice gloves. Have you come to suck my blood and chew bubble gum and you’re all out of bubble gum? These Victorian Vampire Evening Gloves are super sexy. I said that already. Sorry. I get nervous and bashful around pale Victorian ladies. It’s also the first time I’ve had a crush on a pair of arms, so I’ll just practice my breathing and calm down. There, now I’m better.

Don’t be fooled by the name. These evening gloves can be worn in the day too. Well, assuming you can be exposed to sunlight anyway. The best thing about them? They fit like a glove. Probably made by Danny Glover. If you get into a fight, the gloves are off. They’re so nice you gotta handle them with kid gloves. Enough! I’m just nervous, that’s all. I joke when I’m nervous. I think I’m in glove.
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Gothic Mansion Portraits Make Your Walls Weird

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Gothic Mansion Portraits Make Your Walls Weird
I don’t need this because my family portraits are all weird already, but these Gothic Mansion Portraits will put weirdos all over your walls. These Gothic Mansion Portraits will add an eerie air to the hallways and walls in your haunted house or office. You get two 65″ x 33.5″ sheets to make a scene over 5′ tall. Pretty freaky, therefore pretty awesome.

Now your house will look spooky and scary all year round. Note to whoever owns the Amityville house, your house already looks weird enough. Really. It has eyes. It can’t get any scarier.

Bat Wing Heart Necklace: Batman Approves

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Bat Wing Heart Necklace
Here’s one from “Bat” Midler. Did you ever know that you’re my hero? You are the wind beneath my wings. And that wind smells rancid. But that’s only because you had tacos today, so I totally get it. I love you anyway. Here, have this awesome Bat Wing Heart Necklace. Because you’ve flown away with my heart, then taken it back to your bat cave and nibbled on it while hanging upside down and pooping bat poop all over the cave floor.

If bats hang upside down to sleep, do they ever have nightmares and poop all over themselves? Probably. Bats aren’t very smart. Anywho, this awesome necklace makes a great gift for the bat lover in your life. Who doesn’t love bats? I love bats. You love bats. Baseball players are always talking about ’em too. We are all batty for bats.
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Vampire Soap On A Rope: Skull On A Rope

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Vampire Soap On A Rope
Don’t be a Transylvanian dope, use Vampire Soap On A Rope. That way you’ll never drop the soap.

*Lathers up with my Vampire head. Singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and feeling great. Feelin’ clean and refreshed as sunlight filters into the shower as day begins. I hold my Vampire soap up proudly just as sun beams hit it and then scream horribly as the Vampire face melts in my hand and drips through my fingers. Runs screaming out of the shower.*

*Sits in the corner shivering and dripping, traumatized.*

I should know better than to use Vampire soap in daylight.

Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink

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Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink
Tru Blood. It’s what Vampires drink, when they aren’t all trying to fang-bang Sookie Stackhouse. Now you can drink it too thanks to this Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink. The idea is that vampires drink this stuff so they won’t have to attack us mortals. But now that humans are drinking Tru-Blood, our blood is going to taste like Tru-Blood. So why shouldn’t vampires feed off of us? It makes no sense.

I drink garlic drinks. Keeps the vamps away. And everyone else.