Uh-oh, here come’s the black widow. You can tell by the shoes. These Platform Spider Web Studded Skull Boots are for warrior widow women with wearable webs. Try saying that three times fast. They have spider webs all over and skulls in back. Kinda like a cemetery really. I guess you could say she’s got webbed feet. Heh. I made a funny. Forget Doctor Scholls. These are Doctor Skulls. This is some fiendish footwear my friends. If you see a woman wearing these, she’s trouble. You’ll get caught in her web and be a snack.
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Tag: platform
Coffin Platform Heels
I just shivered a little. I thought it was because someone was walking over my grave, but when I saw these Coffin Platform Heels, I realized that it must be because someone is walking on my coffin. If that’s the size of my coffin, I can only assume that someone blew me to pieces and there was only enough left of me to shove inside of two shoe heel coffins.
I’m a little ticked that there’s no epitaph on a little tombstone above those heels though. Something like, “He had a soul, not a sole” or “He tried not to be a heel” or “Women were always walking all over him.” True that. True all of that.
I bet you ladies are dying to get a pair. Dying to try them on. Even though they would kill your feet.
Skeleton Platform Boots
Get your bones in these Skeleton Platform Boots and tower over everyone else while showing the world your skeletal feet. They say SWEAR on the side so I just cursed my butt off. Nah. I lied. Just like after every workout my butt is still there.
Well, I did kind of swear when I saw these. I was all like, “F**kity f**k that’s a cool pair of boots! I gotta show the creepers.” Then I stubbed my toe and went on a 2 minute swear-rant that ended with me washing my own mouth out with soap. If there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s a potty mouth. I hate having to do it, but how else will I learn?
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Shark Attack Spiked Wedges
*Sits down to dinner. Eyes the hot chick across from me. Immediately starts playing footsies and moving my eyebrows.* CHOMP! HOLY HELL! *Screams and puts my bloody stump on the table. Blood shooting everywhere.*
The hot chick smiles and puts both feet on the table, all decked out in their Shark Attack Spiked Wedges, looking proud of herself. She tells me I shouldn’t swim in shark infested waters, but I don’t hear her. I’m passed out from shock and loss of blood.
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T-Rex “Jurassic Pump” Dinosaur Heels
These T-Rex heels are dino-mite! They turn you into a sexy Leg-o-saurus with plenty of Rex-appeal. Word play. Deal with it. I’ve never seen a better pair of Jurassic Pumps and I’ve seen my great great grandmother’s shoes. And you know how I know that oil doesn’t come from dinosaur bones? Because she was ancient and she didn’t turn into oil. I know because they dug up her cemetery to erect a new Arbys.
They say that late at night, when all of the roast beef is put away, a ghostly figure approaches the counter and tries to pay with all nickels. Although that could be any geezer’s ghost.
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