Author: Artemis Winterford

Double Rat Skeleton Necklace

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Double Rat Skeleton Necklace
Look at them rat skeletons kissing up a storm. Get a room guys. Actually get some skin. Damn. This Double Rat Skeleton Necklace is a great accessory that makes quite a statement. That statement usually being, “Ewwwwww!” I kid, I kid. Rat skeletons are totally in fashion this year according to me. They never go out of style. No bones about it, this is a great necklace.

It’s made of clear acrylic. Fun fact: My ex used to paint in acrylics. What? No, she used oil-based paints. I mean, she used to paint in acrylics, as in, the shoes she wore were acrylic, on account of she was a stripper.

Bigfoot Pocket Journal 3 Pack

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Bigfoot Pocket Journal 3 Pack
I gotta get me this Bigfoot Pocket Journal 3 Pack cuz I always see Bigfoot in the woods, and one time at the 7-11, but that last one may have been some lady with a LOT of testosterone. I couldn’t tell by the grunting or the big booty waddle. I’d use these to recount all of my Bigfoot sightings.

December 17th Saw Bigfoot taking a deuce in a forest stream. *Draws picture of Sasquatch all bent over and grunting,dropping a cleveland steamer that kills a frog.* January 5th. Saw Bigfoot masturbating. Stepped on a twig and he quickly stopped and pretended he was sleeping all along. *Draws Bigfoot doing his thing. Writes HAHA with an arrow pointing towards his tiny weenie.*

I would fill these things in 5 seconds. People doubt that he exists, but how can you not see him? He’s like ten feet tall.

Leather Skulls By Heavy Eyes

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Leather Skulls By Heavy Eyes
Damn. These leather skulls are pretty darn awesome. They are made by Heavy Eyes and are made by hand in Brooklyn, using premium leathers. Why are your eyes so heavy? Huh? Huh? Stop hitting yourself! Anyway, they fold the leather and use metal hardware to attach it all together. Leather origami? Osteo-origami? I don’t know what to call it, but these skulls are sweet.
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Black Ouija Board Throw Blanket

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Black Ouija Board Throw Blanket
This Black Ouija Board Throw Blanket will keep you warm and probably leave a portal open so spirits can enter our world while you sleep. Probably. I have no idea. I just know that if I slept under this thing my OCD would kick in. I’d need a planchette on top so I could hover it over “goodbye” before I went to sleep and then I wouldn’t be able to get up in the morning until I hovered the planchette over “yes”. Then if I was with a woman I would ask her if we were having sex, so I’d have to hover over “no”.

Skeletal Hands and Heart Ring

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Skeletal Hands and Heart Ring
My heart is in your hands baby. Hey why are your hands so cold? You’re cold as a skel- Oh… That explains it. This Skeletal Hands and Heart Ring is pretty badass. Those skeleton hands are holding a heart. Ahhhh. But to love it or to squeeze it? That’s the question. Damn, I said something deep. Did you guys read that? I guess I’m growing up. And to think, I was gonna work in a joke about skeleton hands holding a weiner when I started. Not anymore. I’m a big boy now.