This is a Zombie Killer Bike Badge. I’ve been trying to earn one all day by mowing down pedestrians, but I guess I live in a zombie-free neighborhood. There was one old lady who had sores on her mouth who was shambling like the undead, and I thought for sure she was a zombie, but nope. Just a case of the herp and dementia. Then I realized I could just buy the badge. Boy is my face red. Also the front of my bike. Very red. And the streets.
Author: Artemis Winterford
Shattered Skulls Oven Mitt and Pot Holder Sets
Man, I hate when I get an aching headache, but it’s never been as bad as the skulls on these Shattered Skulls Oven Mitt and Pot Holder Sets. Damn son, take an advil. Your skull done exploded all over da place. Someone’s gonna be picking up the pieces for ages. Anywho, these potholder/Oven mitt sets are pretty sweet. Great reminder to relieve tension in your head. Or else KABOOM!
Cute Horror Character Pillowcases
Are you brave enough to lay your head down on Chucky? What about Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th? I wouldn’t do it. One is a psycho doll who is a deranged killer, the other a deranged killer with a machete. At least these Cute Horror Character Pillowcases are all cartoony and adorable. What could possibly go wrong? You can choose from Chucky or Jason. They do look super comfy and will creep up your living space nicely. Jason kind of looks like an owl. A demented deranged owl.
He’s probably all like, “Who. Who.” Then he’s all like, “Anyone, just as long as my machete goes in ’em.”
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Mummified Yeti Hand
Hey Yeti can you give me a hand? Thanks. And gross. This Mummified Yeti Hand still has a bunch of hair attached above the wrist. There isn’t any shots of the palm so we don’t know if he was a chronic pee-pee toucher or not, but my theory is that they all are, cuz that’s why they’re so hairy. Dude could definitely use some moisturizer.
Ileum and The Ostomy Plush
Damn son! This Ileum and The Ostomy Plush is… Well, I had to look up what an ileum was and it’s the third portion of the small intestine aka your poop chute. This plush is like Homer’s Iliad, an epic hero’s journey…
This epic saga recounts the journey of our hero, Feceus. We begin near the end of our hero’s passage, in Ileum (the small intestines).
When Feceus tries in vain to reach the outside world via the rectum, he finds his way is blocked. He valiantly fights his way into the colon but can get no further.
The clever Feceus takes his mighty scalpel and severs the colon in twain! He then takes the end and pushes it through the abdominal wall to create a new exit into the world!
This new exit became known as the Stoma in this tale,
The Ostomy!
So yeah, that happened. Nice bedtime story.