Author: Artemis Winterford

Coffin Platform Heels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Coffin Platform Heels
I just shivered a little. I thought it was because someone was walking over my grave, but when I saw these Coffin Platform Heels, I realized that it must be because someone is walking on my coffin. If that’s the size of my coffin, I can only assume that someone blew me to pieces and there was only enough left of me to shove inside of two shoe heel coffins.

I’m a little ticked that there’s no epitaph on a little tombstone above those heels though. Something like, “He had a soul, not a sole” or “He tried not to be a heel” or “Women were always walking all over him.” True that. True all of that.

I bet you ladies are dying to get a pair. Dying to try them on. Even though they would kill your feet.

Viagra Neck Tie Surprisingly Hangs Limp From Your Neck

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Viagra Neck Tie Surprisingly Hangs Limp From Your Neck
This Viagra Neck Tie let’s the entire world know about your erectile dysfunction. Your pee-pee may not work properly, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dress smart. This tie lets other men know that you are not a threat to their woman. It lets women know that you are about as much of a threat to them as a wet noodle. Or do I have that backwards? I guess it tells people that you can shag for hours and that you are always up for some naughty fun time.

This tie is not for everyone. Side effects may include: Tie suddenly going upright and stiff in your face.

Zombie Nesting Dolls: The Nesting Dead

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Zombie Nesting Dolls The Nesting Dead
I have a question about these Zombie Nesting Dolls. Okay, if one zombie is inside of another, that’s sex right? One zombie is inside of another. Gotta be sex. Okay, now if a bunch of zombies are all inside of each other, does this constitute a zombie G-bang? It’s been bothering me since I saw these guys. By the way, G-Bang is my gang name. Shout out to my homies on the upper east side! What up Pedro and Johnny Suckerpunch!

Anyhow, these zombies are all up in each others business, looking undead, nesting in and out of each other. You got zombie dad, zombie mom, zombie snot-nosed teen and little zombie sister, plus baby zombie.
Read more “Zombie Nesting Dolls: The Nesting Dead”

Varnished Cotton Briefs: Mom’s E.R. Nightmare

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Varnished Cotton Briefs Mom's E.R. Nightmare
When I first saw these Varnished Cotton Briefs, I thought someone had been going through my drawers. Hey, don’t judge. I had an accident at the chocolate factory. The factory was my butt. All of the employees are now laid off. I couldn’t afford all of them working overtime and getting triple pay on taco night. By them I mean the magic gremlins that live in my colon.

This decorative pair of underwear is the crustiest, the most vile, the dirtiest pair of nad covers I have ever seen. Them is some crusty crack coveralls. Seriously, it has real crust. And not the good stuffed crust kind. What is that stuff? This nasty specimen is based on that old gem that mom’s always throw at you before you leave the house. “You better put on clean underwear in case you get into an accident.” Good advice, cuz if you show up at the E.R. wearing these, the CDC is getting involved and whole towns will get shut down. I don’t blame them at all.

This sellers mom never bothered telling them to put on clean underwear. Apparently their mom just tells them to varnish it and put it on Etsy.

Carry Your Horrors In This Cthulhu Pouch

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Carry Your Horrors In This Cthulhu Pouch
This is a pretty awesome Cthulhu Pouch. I get bonus points for learning something new today. Until I saw this, I thought a Cthulhu pouch was were Cthulhu kept it’s babies. Like a Kangaroo. I knew it was either that or one of Cthulhu’s many sex organs. Turns out it was neither. It’s just a cool pouch for humans to carry stuff in.

Don’t be a slouch, get a Cthulhu pouch. Stick your hand in and then scream OUCH! Because there is nothing but horror within and that horror just treated your hand like a chew toy. Now you’re just a chump with a stump. Some of that rhymed.

Seriously, that leather pouch is pretty awesome. If I were one of those elf or gnome things from that Hobbit movie, I would totally walk across the map with this thing at my hip.
Read more “Carry Your Horrors In This Cthulhu Pouch”