Author: Artemis Winterford

Weird 3rd Eye Baby

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Weird 3rd Eye Baby
This thing is called 3rd Eye Baby. I call it terrifying and nightmare inducing. It’s a baby trapped in a frame, with a 3rd eye. Coincidentally, this looks like what I see in the mirror after I wake up with a red M & M stuck to my forehead. It happens more than you might think.

Hey baby, who’s your favorite band? *Stabs it in the 3rd eye with a fork.* Is it Third Eye Blind? Hahhaha. That joke cracks me up every time. You okay baby? Ever been convicted of a felony? Oh, I see. You were framed. Hahahahahha. Babies are such easy marks. Hey baby-

Wait what?

Damnit! I was looking in the mirror this whole time. Oh sweet a red M & M! nom nom nom.

Adult Sized Ostrich Hop Ball

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Adult Sized Ostrich Hop Ball
Sweet! An Adult Sized Ostrich Hop Ball. I’ll finally be able to ostrich-size myself before others can do it to me. And check out that graphic down below! It’s totally safe compared to riding a real Ostrich. That’s cool, cuz I do NOT want to go through that again. I’m gonna hop my ostrich all over town, make it stick it’s head in the sand, then get into some hardcore ostrich jousting at that illegal ostrich jousting place down the street. Make it shake it’s tail feathers. Make it try to fly hang glider style. Give it a ostrich tattoo. Play Poker with it into the wee hours of the morning.

Just me and my ostrich, hopping all over the place. Here comes Peter ostrich tail, hoppin’ down the ostrich trail, hippity hoppity, ostrich is on the way…

It’s adult size so my enjoyment and use of it for transport is perfectly acceptable. You don’t need a license to ride a bird that can’t fly. That you hop on. You don’t right? I don’t think you do.
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Coffin Clocks: It’s Always The Witching Hour

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Coffin Clocks It's Always The Witching Hour
Coffin Clocks! It’s half past a dirt nap and quarter to the afterlife. These cool clocks remind you that we are all just passing the time until we are dead, dead, dead. Did I depress you? Sorry. This is why I’m alone at parties. Well, that and the fact that I am throwing those parties for myself and only inviting myself, because I want all of the birthday cake. It’s all about myself, cuz I’m selfish. No, not shellfish. Selfish. No, not elf-ish. Selfish. No, I don’t sell fish. Oh forget it. This is why I party alone!

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I fell inside my coffin clock. I hit my head and now I’m dead. Also broke my neck. Oh well, just set the time and I’ll be hanging here for all eternity. That’s just my luck. Of corpse it is. I guess I’ll be haunting some people with similar tastes in clocks.

Actually these aren’t life sized. They are about 17 inches tall. Which is awesome, because I’m clumsy and I did not want to fall and trip and get trapped in that thing for the rest of my afterlife. No way jose! I don’t wanna clock in and never clock out of this clock.

Creepy iPad And Kindle Covers

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Creepy iPad And Kindle Covers
These iPad and Kindle covers from joevleather are pretty cool. They are a great way to show everyone that you are creepy. I like that two-headed skeleton dude. One of them can have an iPad and the other can have a Kindle. Then they can complain that each of them are reading out loud and get into a slap fight. They have a bunch of cool designs to choose from, but I didn’t see one that has Cthulhu looking at an iPad, which is what I really want.

So creep up your gadgets with some of these cool covers.
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Ghostbusters Terror Dog Ring

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Ghostbusters Terror Dog Ring
I know what you’re thinking. You saw that headline and you thought there was a Terror Dog Ring operating out of your city. You probably pictured scary dogs wearing gangster suits, who also happen to bust ghosts. That’s what I thought too, but nope. It’s the actual terror dog from Ghostbusters, in ring form.

Wear a couple so people will look at your hand and go, “Nice dogs man!” This thing doesn’t scare me. That hot dog I had at the ballpark last year, that was a terror dog. If you want to glue someone to a toilet seat for like 4 hours, forget superglue. Feed them a substandard mystery meat hot dog and wash it down with like a half gallon of coke.