Author: Artemis Winterford

Octo Glow Lamp

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Octo Glow Lamp
Oh look an Octo Glow Lamp that looks like a relic you can worship. *Kneeling before my 8 tentacled new master.* What is thy bidding my master? *Head lights up as it communicates with my mind and puts me in a trance.* Yesssss. But of course. *Returns a few minutes later with a brown M and M. Places it before him.* My offering my master.

Yessss. Of course I will buy bacon and beer in celebration of your greatness. Was gonna do that anyway. I think you and I will get along great. *Pets it’s glowing head.*

Zombie Gothic Wall Sculpture

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Zombie Gothic Wall Sculpture
Awwww! Look at these two. they look like such a cute couple. He clearly has her heart. Or someone’s heart on his pitchfork. With this Zombie Gothic Wall Sculpture, you get all of the classic art that is American Gothic, with a zombie spin.

This wall plaque will look great on your wall, whether you have other zombie decor or not. I would hate to meet this couple in a dark hallway. So I’m just gonna always keep that hallway lit. Just in case.

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

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Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float
This Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float reminds me of when I used to live in that place with the huge cockroaches and the backyard pool. I would turn the lights out, let them creep out in the dark and stomp all over these nasty buggers, then go to bed. In the morning I’d go out back to see the mice using their dead bodies for surf boards in the pool.

Okay fine. That place was this place. In the winter it’s the same deal, except they use the dead insect bodies as sleighs. *Doing my best Scarface voice* “F**king Cock-a-roach!”

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Giant 6 Foot Cockroach Swimming Pool Float

Playmobil Haunted Halloween Victorian Mansion

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Playmobil Haunted Halloween Victorian Mansion
I don’t know about you, but every Halloween I like to get the old Playmobil Haunted Halloween Victorian Mansion out and have a spooky time. Then I tell ghost stories to myself until I get so scared I have to turn every light in the house on. *Checks mail* An electric bill of $550 this month? Not bad. Not bad at all.

Cheaper than last month when I watched all those X-Files episodes. Of course that wasn’t just the lights being left on. You have to factor in for all that extra laundry in the washer from wetting the bed. Honestly, someone should just call Adult Protective Services and take me away from myself.
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Phrenology Head Container

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Phrenology Head Container
Phrenology. It’s the study of different spots on the head. I think. Like, this area is where my love of bacon comes from. This area is why I keep missing when I pee in the toilet. That area on my wife’s head? That’s why she punches me and tells me to clean it up. I’m pretty sure that’s what it is. Whatever this strange hoodoo is, this Phrenology Head Container is all about that. Plus, you can put candy inside, or whatever you want. Maybe put a fake brain in there and be all doctor like.

Phrenology. It’s not just for smart people anymore. I can haz too.