Author: Artemis Winterford

Skull Potion Bottle Necklace

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Skull Potion Bottle Necklace
These Skull Potion Bottle Necklaces are like little pickled skulls that you want to just pick out with a tiny fork and put in your mouth. No? Just me? That’s not weird right? These things are potions that you hang around your neck. I don’t know. They restore your health and give you mana and stuff in case you’re fighting a boss monster.

I’m just assuming. I’ve never fought a boss monster. But I did get married once and it took a lot of potion to get past that beast. Potion made by a wizard named Jack Daniels.

“The Creepy Thing” Wall Sculpture

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The Creepy Thing Wall Sculpture
I don’t know what’s up with me today. I’m all eyes and fingers. That’s what this guy is saying. This weird wall sculpture would make a perfect coat rack or key holder.

Just ordered one. When it gets here, I’m gonna attach him to my fly and walk around the mall. If I’m still a free man after a few hours, I’m gonna go home and put him on the back of my chair and force him to massage me. There’s a good pair of monster hands.

Alien Perfume

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Alien Perfume
I can only guess that Alien perfume smells like a cross between uranus, which they are probing, and the smell of pee from when you peed yourself during their experiments. Now you can wear the scent of a defiled and scared human all day long.

It comes in a cool bottle that looks all weird and alien. I’m pretty sure this is part of their plan. This scent will get you noticed. And when they notice, they’ll suck you up in the spaceship and then the fun begins.

Toothy Tooth Explosion Tooth Art

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Toothy Tooth Explosion
Holy molar! What happened here? It’s like a bunch of people all sneezed an atomic sneeze at the same time and blew their teeth out. That happens to me sometimes, but instead of teeth, it’s usually bits of my lunch that spray all over the place. I’m the reason the salad guard was invented. I say it adds flavor, the law says I’m now required to wear a welder’s mask at all times.

This tooth art also looks like a bunch of oldsters left their dentures on the same tray in the hot sun. Either way, I’m glad I brush my teeth. You should too guys and gals.

Game of Molars: Crown Of Teeth

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crown of teeth
When you play the game of molars, you chew or you don’t. There is no middle ground. Also… Dentures are coming!
Also…. A Lannister always pays his dentist.

This crown of teeth lets you wear some pearly whites on your head, which would feel like your head is in the mouth of some weird beast. Now you know how your food feels.