Author: Artemis Winterford

Monster Journals: “Fear Diary…”

Artemis Winterford1 Comment

monster journalThese monster journals from Etsy seller ANARCHISTSPLAYGROUND are all sharp teeth and lined pages. I think the idea is to open them up, start writing and see how long it takes for those sharp teeth to close like a crocodile and leave you with a bloody stump. You just had to journal about your day didn’t you?

Fear Diary… Today I went for a nice walk and- OH DEAR GOD! BLOOD EVERYWHERE! JUST GIVE ME MY HAND BACK AND I SWEAR TO ZUCKERBERG THAT NEXT TIME I WILL JUST UPDATE MY STATUS FOR THE WORLD TO SEE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON! NO MORE JOURNALING I SWEAR! I LEARNED MY LESSON!

Click through for a fork-tongued demon with glow in the dark eyes and drool.
Read more “Monster Journals: “Fear Diary…””

Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

celebrity meltdowns pop up book
Celebrities melt down. Sometimes like a scented candle, all fragrant and drippy, sometimes like a nuclear reactor. This Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns recreates these meltdowns in glorious 3D. Like Tom Cruise all freaking out on Oprah because his Scientology programming went wacky and the tech guys had no idea how to fix him. Or Mike Tyson biting the ear off of another human as they fight in the ring. I wonder if he still has a taste for human flesh.

Turns out, Mikey really will eat anything. Or maybe I just learned everything I know from old cereal commercials. I thought Captain Crunch was a real guy until I joined the Navy and encountered Captain jerk-face. Once I also spent two weeks in the rain forest looking for Toucan Sam. Trust me, if he even lived there, he would have been eaten by giant snakes a long time ago. Anyway, this is a fun book. With moving pictures and everything.
Read more “Pop-Up Book of Celebrity Meltdowns”

Star Trek Diapers: Poop, The Final Frontier

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

star trek baby diaper
Poop: The Final Frontier. I should get a pair of these, since every woman in my life calls me a man-baby and I do like to cosplay as Captain Picard. Doody-free preferably. I like my number one on the bridge. In the chair next to me. With a beard. Not in a saggy diaper that leaks and gives me a rash. Make it so!

I like my number two shot out of the photon torpedo tubes so it can freeze and twirl and spin before breaking into a million pieces against that Ferengi ship off the port bow.

“Any Klingons Number One?”

“Not a one sir. It all just broke on impact. Not a single bit clinged-on.” *Sly grin*

*Picard grins back. Sits back in the chair.*

Data looks perplexed.

Worf Sighs.

“Our work here is done. Engage!”

End episode!
Read more “Star Trek Diapers: Poop, The Final Frontier”

Edible Eyes

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

eyeball food stickers
I won’t eat anything with eyes on it. Wait! What? You put some edible eyes on some doughnuts? Then it shall see it’s death as my wanting mouth descends upon it’s soft and jelly-filled body. It will also see the terror that is the slide down my throat and the hard landing in my stomach, where it will be compacted by the crunchy orange bones of half-digested Cheetos soaking in a river of Mountain Dew. There it will slowly dissolve until only the eyes remain to greet my next victim.

Edible eyes. I’d eat that. Say, my poops not gonna look like a brown trout now, is it? Between the corn and now the eyes, I’ll almost have a not-so Frosty the steamy brown snowman. Just needs a corn-cob pipe. I’ll be the jolly happy soul though. Feels good to unload, even if it does look back from the bowl.
Read more “Edible Eyes”

Naughty Nativities And Heavy Metal Christmas Figurines

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

creepy nativity
Add a little Heavy Metal to your Christmas this year with figurines and nativities all done up in a Heavy Metal style. Etsy seller Coffincollector has all kinds of naughty and nice figurines that have been given a scary makeover.

They are guaranteed to give you a nightmare before Christmas. And during. And long after.
Read more “Naughty Nativities And Heavy Metal Christmas Figurines”