Author: Artemis Winterford

UFO Table Lamps With Hot Rod Paint Jobs

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ufo lampThese UFO lamps are…wait for it…Out of this world! They look like little bumper car UFOs that a small person could get in and fly around the house, destroying all of your vases and figurines and stuff. I’m gonna put on my awesome alien jacket and go for a ride, like I’m in a pinball machine.

Three concussions later, I’ll wake up just before the wife gets home and call the cops, informing them about the break in. I have no idea what they wanted, but they really worked me over good. That should stop her from killing me.

Etsy seller SHINYARTY has all kinds of awesome UFO table lamps that I am sadly too big to fit inside, all painted up like awesome hot rods.
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Monster Mirror Guarantees That You Will Cut Yourself While Shaving

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monster mirrorMirror mirror on the wall, who is the fugliest of all? You are. That’s who. This mirror demands blood, since it will make you so nervous that you constantly cut yourself while shaving, making a blood sacrifice down the drain every damn day. The only way to beat it is to grow a beard!

Ha! Beaten at your own evil game! How does that feel? Well, yeah, I was so nervous when I trimmed my beard last time that I also trimmed all of the fuzz off my new winter sweater and gave myself a mohawk, but still. I win.

Super Awesome Trading Cards

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super awesome trading cardsAwesome. No, super awesome! I love me some trading cards and these Super Awesome Trading Cards are the best. If I was still a kid, I would totally put some of these in my bicycle spokes so it would sound like a motorcycle and trade Abe Lincoln for a Narwhal.

These are just like the cards you collected as a kid, only cooler. And now, instead of leaving cards laying around the house for my mom to complain about and throw out, I can leave them lying around the house for my wife to complain about and throw out. This nerdy man-baby has come full circle!

You can collect all kinds of awesome cards like: Martians, Bigfoot,Abe Lincoln, wizards, zombies and more.
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The Mugga Mug Makes Your Coffee Look Like A Thief

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mugga mugThis Mugga Mug is all dressed up like a thief and it has already stolen my heart. I would take this mug everywhere as I wake up and run my morning errands. No way it would get me in trouble. No way.

First it’s off to the bank where I would set it down by the teller. She would take one look at the mug and hand me a stack of money, telling me to just take it and leave. Sweet! My bank is the best. Nice people! An alarm goes off as I leave, but I’ll just let the police deal with it. No need to be a hero today. Then it’s off to the convenience store where the same thing happens. I wonder why everyone is being so nice when I notice the fuzz pulling up outside and drawing weapons. That’s when I realize this mug is like a “give me all your money note”.

No problem. I’m cool in high stress situations. I pay for my stuff, wipe my fingerprints off the handle and point to the guy behind me in line and say “You get a free mug today!” He’s all like, “Awesome. I love free stuff.”

I leave the counter as if pushed and rush out the door looking scared for my life and announce, “He says the first hostage has been released, but he’s not going down without a fight.”
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Hot Dog Bun Doggie Bed: Your Wiener Dog Needs More Mustard

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hot dog bun bedWhen you have a hot dog, you need a cool bun. No, that’s not right. If you have a cool dog, you need a hot dog…bun. No, wait. I can do this. I have been trained in the blogging arts.

*Reaches zen place* If you have a Wiener dog, you need a hot dog bun bed!

Ha! I knew I could do it, despite the fact that I have only had 3 fingers of whiskey today and one middle finger of vengeance when I sideswiped that little fat guy in a cart in the Walmart parking lot. Real cars have the right of way pal! Anyway, I never got a good look at the guy’s face since my rear view mirror smacked into it.

But I digress. You came here to see fun and weird caca that you can buy. Well, behold the Hot Dog Bun Doggie Bed. All of the condiments are on it already. You just need to supply the Wiener dog. In fact, if you click through, you can see an actual Wiener dog in the bun. Aren’t you lucky? Yes you are! Who’s the lucky little Creepbay reader? You so cute!
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