Category: Creep Wear

Illegal Alien Mask

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

illegal alien maskWhat can I possibly say about this illegal alien mask that won’t come off as rascist? Hmmm. Let’s just look at the Amazon reviews. There are 2. The first basically says, “THIS MASK IS RACIST!” Because, you know, people are just waiting to be offended. Relax Mister heart attack waiting to happen. It’s just a pun.

The second review rightly points out that neither the ad nor the mask give any hint as to the alien’s race, religion or ethnic group. So take that first reviewer. Plus it is an alien. And the only race that aliens have is to see who can get here first and slice up cows for science. Enough said.

Turn Any Hipster Into A Cuckoo Clock With This Bird Head Brooch

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bird bow tieNeed to up your wardrobe? Just put a bird on it. It’s like a chestbursting alien, only it’s a dead bird’s head. And there is no blood.

Just affix this $95 bird head to your shirt and you are now a cuckoo clock. Maybe you can rig it to pop out on the hour. I hope you and your fine feathered friend have lots of adventures together. Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

Click through for more bird-on-man images.
Read more “Turn Any Hipster Into A Cuckoo Clock With This Bird Head Brooch”

Realistic Handmade Taco Purse

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

realistic taco purseRun for the border with this Realistic Handmade Taco Purse. It is great for holding your taco money. Obviously. It looks delicious.

I’ll just have two tacos to go.

But you already have one sir. Can I get you anything else?

No, see, this taco is not a taco. I need a real taco. Two of them.

Looks pretty real to me sir. Would you like anything to drink?

JUST GIVE ME @&%$**$# TACO! IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT MY BOWELS BE ON FIRE THIS EVENING?

Crazy Monster Hat With Claw Mittens

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

monster hatThis awesome $129. monster hat is just waiting to transform you into a furry three-eyed monster so you can go all om-nom-nom on somebody. It comes with claw mittens so you can go all Wolverine on your prey too.

I have to say, this is the cutest monster I’ve ever seen and I applaud the choice of bra over a furry chest piece. You can hide under my bed any time you want. Just don’t attack while the bed is rocking. Wait 30 seconds when you hear me reach for a kleenex. Otherwise things could get awkward.

What? I have a cold. Been coughing a lot and rocking the bed. These fits usually last about a minute and happen once a night. I’m a sick sick man.
Read more “Crazy Monster Hat With Claw Mittens”

Mrs. Skeletor, I Presume: “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Skull Heelless WedgesThese $150. “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges are named all wrong. They are clearly from Hell and forged from the souls of one hundred tormented shoe designers. You will be hell on heels, that’s for sure. Oh wait. No heels here.

Is this what’s hot this summer? Women are already taller than me when they wear platform shoes. Now, they are gonna be taller than me and look like a friggin’ demon.

Oh hello, I hate blind dates, what are you looking for in a man?*looks up at the goth Amazon princess. And up. And up. Neck hurts. Ow!*

*Eyes rolling back in her head. Voice like Barry White talking through James Earl Jones.* A virgin that can be kicked about the scrotum with skull wedges and then sacrificed to appease my ancient lord.

Well, that sounds like me. And since no one is raising their hands to make love to me real quick-like(I asked), I’m out!

Get the check b*tch. I’ll leave a tip: A virgin will easily outrun you in Skull wedges! Ha ha! I live to be celibate another day! Not much of a victory, but whatevs!
Read more “Mrs. Skeletor, I Presume: “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges”