Category: Creep Wear

The Visitors Are Not Our Friends: Lizard Eye Sunglasses

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lizard eye sunglassesThese lizard eye sunglasses will make you look just like our reptilian overlords. You know, the ones secretly in charge of the shadow government. I assume that means that a bunch of bureaucrats are huddled in some dark room doing paperwork by flashlight. I have no idea. But I do know that the lizard people are sending messages to me telepathically via microwave transmissions.

Now they will think I am one of them. Sweet! I’m in the secret society! I will get one on live streaming and rip his fake human skin off in front of millions. The visitors are not our friends!

Then of course they would eat me. Maybe. I’m counting on the fact that I am pumped so full of GMOs and pesticides, that I will take some with me.

Dead Man Walking: Body Bag Costume

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

body bag costumeSweet Jesus! This Body Bag costume is going to score me a ton of friggin candy this year. Ding-dong. Door opens. Old lady with blue hair greets me with a smile. “Hello little ones. What do we have here? Let me get my glasses-” Shriveled hand clutches heart area of knit Halloween sweater. Old bones jump. Candy flies up. I position bag underneath that sweet candy rain. Then run.

Effin Necco wafers? Really? Maybe the next house will be better. I’m really behind this year after getting stuck in that morgue for 3 hours. Bonus: That half autopsy they did really adds to the authenticity.

Needle Felted Kitchen Hat

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kitchen hatThis $420.Needle Felted Kitchen Hat has everything but the kitchen sink. It also lacks food, a stove, a microwave, and chairs for the kitchen table. It’s pretty bare. No wonder that dog looks so depressed. He’s waiting for a snack that never comes. Maybe they just moved in.

It does have curtains. I don’t know if the curtains match the drapes, but I know that the dog matches the floor. I often wear the kitchen on my head too, but that’s only because the wife likes to dump food on my head after I criticize her cooking. So what if I like my food shaped like dinosaurs. That DOES NOT make me a baby. The way I cry and suck my thumb afterwards does!
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Sugar Bear From Honey Boo Boo Silicone Prosthetic Mask

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sugar bearThis Sugar Bear mask is what every Honey Boo Boo cosplayer needs if they want to look like the redneck patriarch of the clan. Etsy seller PittawayArt (Sky Vega Special Effects Makeup)is offering this for $720.

It is pretty authentic right down to the balding head and vacant eyes. Eyes that seem to say “Get me a beer woman! Damn, but I like me a big woman!” Yet, this mask looks sad. There is a mama June mask at the second link to keep it company.

Confession time: I like me a big woman too. Just ordered this mask. If that face worked for Sugar Bear, it will work for me. If you need me I’ll be at Walmart where the prices are low and so are the standards of the ladies. Look for me in the mac and cheese isle, aka the chub hub.

Kitty Has Claws: Rhinestone Claw Nail Rings

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rhinestone claw nail ringOh baby that feels so good when you drag your nails across my back. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-OOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Why do you always have to draw blood? I buy you expensive bling-bling and this is how you repay me? *slash to the face* What the hell woman?

That’s pretty much how I see things going down if you buy these Rhinestone Claw Nail Rings. Women. Can’t live with ’em, can’t avoid their razor sharp claws. Now women everywhere will be unleashing their fury on men who have wronged them and others who are just in the way:

Hello Lady Wolverine. Do you have reservations? I’ll just see if we- *lightning quick slash* I’ll just fall to my knees and hit the floor, while blood spurts out my neck.